anxiety, happiness, life, mind, psychology, relationships

Spontaneous Versus Consistent


– He is spontaneous, it’s so sweet, we will get married soon.

 I quietly shook my head. Saying anything at that moment would be pointless. My girlfriend was deaf and blind to common sense.

They met a month before, he immediately introduced her to his dick, friends, and family. Every time he would call her “My angel” she melted, closing her eyes and picturing a huge beachfront home with 3 children and a chocolate Labrador.

When I asked what he does for living, she just shrugged her shoulders.  – It does not matter Vixen. He is so lovable, huggable, and kissable, he is ideal.

 – Does it mean he has no job?

 – Is money the only thing that you care about, Vixen? – suddenly, she got pissed, I must have hit a nerve.

 – Just curious … how is he going to provide for the family?

 – He does not have to work, he has a lot in savings; he worked all his life to have the life he is having now, he is wonderful, you will love him.

 – What are your impressions of his friends?

 – It does not really matter, I will live with him, not with them, plus he… he … just met them

 – And he calls them FRIENDS?

 – Are you a f*king detective here? – she hated me at that moment, her attempts to make logical conclusions from what sounded irrational were failing. Since my questions threatened the sweetness of her illusion, I became the object of her unconditional resentment and wrath.

 – What do you think about his family?

 – I do not know. He says they never really got along. But again, like I said, I will be living with him, it does not really matter.

 – Did he tell you anything about his past relationships?

 – He never had much luck with women, they were worldly, jealous, and violent. He says I am different, I am the one he has been looking for all this life. And he can’t live without me. Doesn’t it sound romantic? – She was clearly obsessed, nothing seemed to bring her down to earth.

 – Honey, it sounds sick, – I sighed deeply, her stream of consciousness got me really tired.

 – What is wrong with falling in love? – she looked pathetic in her anger, pathetic and somewhat comical

  – How much does he drink?

  – What are you talking about?

 – A normal person is fine living by himself. He may struggle without tooth paste or toilet paper, but for him to say that he can’t live without you or someone else is weird. A normal person has a job, friends that do not come and go within days. A normal person does not quickly label people as demons or angles. And, of course, a normal person does not talk marriage after a month of dating. You are describing someone immature, inconsistent, with… , – I paused, trying to find a proper word – someone with dependency issues.

  – He is just spontaneous …

  – Such people oftentimes have problems with alcohol and drugs…

  – You are nuts, Vixen, bye now, – she hurriedly left, insulted, intimidated, and furious

Two weeks after she gave me a call. I heard her sobbing on the phone as she was telling me about the breakup story.  – Can you imagine…. after all his promises he disappeared, and… and then… texted me, he met someone else and is getting married. He said he found the real angel…

 – I am sorry, – I did not have much to say

 – I … I never actually loved him, it was just an obsession

 – I know.

She kept falling for spontaneity detesting consistency, perseverance, and everything else related to common sense.

happiness, life, love

Evil Behind the Mask


What does the evil look like? Is it someone leather-faced, smelling like decayed teeth and low-income household?

Dave was handsome, highly educated, and wealthy; warm, smiley and polite.

Intimacy with him felt like heaven, he was gentle, affectionate, and caring. “I hug you, and you smile, one day I will see you smiling all the time. It will make me happy.”  He had a great body, nicely smelling bed-linen, huge master bedroom, and high-quality home sound system.

 – What kind of music does my Vixen want?

 – Can we do Mozart?

 – You need something relaxing, what about meditation music?

 – Ok, – I shrugged my shoulders and went into the bathroom, being intimate with him felt relaxing. Sex was not merely joyful or fun, it was spectacular, phenomenal, magical, fantastic.

 – I need to take you shopping, my Vixen needs new dresses.

 – Maybe next time? I gotta pick up my kid from his daycare.

 – No, we will go now, I will choose, since I am paying. Your facial expression…. It has changed, that’s funny…

He had a great taste, the outfit he bought looked awesome. I was thankful and quiet. He did not want me to speak unless he expected answers to his questions.

Talking makes you anxious, dear, you get into your shitty moods that make you unhappy. I want you happy, this is my goal, princess, to make you happy.

 – Yeah, but I just wanted

 – Shh … silly, – he covered my mouth with his hand, – When I speak, you listen, ok?

Physical closeness was awesome, simply awesome, he was very expressive and emotional; I was touched, I kept breaking into tears, he liked it. – There is nothing wrong about showing your feelings, Vixen. You are certainly allowed to do it around me. You gotta read good books, spiritual literature. It will help you grow and become a better person. You can’t be a sugar baby all your life.

I found Seroquel and an empty Tequila bottle on one of his book shelves behind Luke Rhinehart and Teachings of the Buddha. – I have zero tolerance for alcohol. I can’t be around someone who drinks, Dave.

 – One of my friends left the bottle here, he stopped by yesterday, we meditated.

 – Are you taking anti-psychotic meds with alcohol?

 – I took half a pill, the first time in ten years, I stopped drinking long time ago. You gotta relax and stop your crazy thinking, I feel bad when I see you suffering, luv.

 – Why did you take it?

 – My ex stopped by, she is horrible, the most negative person in the world, she tried to commit suicide several times when we were together. I was anxious all night after that, the pill helped me sleep.

 – I thought it is your ex-girlfriend who tried to kill herself.

 – My ex-wife was also crazy, she is a very miserable person, she needs help. I had back luck with women in the past. You are the angel Vixen, I am blessed to have you in my life.

Sex was mind-blowing, I left his house feeling the happiest person in the world that night. He constantly wanted me around. He paid for my son’s sitter and for the hours I missed work to be with him. – You are working too much, it makes no sense, even my cleaners do better financially, honey. You need to change your career. I do not want my princess to stress twenty-four hours a day. It makes me sad to watch you suffer.   

 – I will end up losing my job if I continue taking time off. I can’t afford it, I need to feed my son.

 – I will take care of you both. Trust me, you will never be homeless and hungry.

 – I can take vacation later, maybe a couple of months from now?

 – Now, – suddenly his smile froze, – I will take care of everything:  flights, hotels, food, shopping… I want you to start packing now. Your son can go with us, I love kids.

 – I can’t.

 – Yes, you can, – he grabbed me by the shoulders and started shaking. My head hit the cupboard door. I screamed, he quickly released the grip and gave me a hug. – Are you ok my dear?

I saw blood on the light-wood cupboard door and concern in his dark eyes as he was gently checking my head.– Just a tiny scratch, nothing serious, love.

 – I may need to see a doctor. I hit my temple.    

 – They will rip you off and do nothing. I owned several medical practices, people there are morons. You should not trust them. I will take care of you.

 – I need to go.

 – You need to stop talking now. – The sudden change in his voice was frightening.

That afternoon was the first time I did not leave his house mesmerized by his charm and the way he used his penis. The evil was there caring and smiling, carefully drying my skin with a soft towel after a bath and holding hands while sleeping. The evil was there, slowly but surely cuffing me to the 2-million dollar home with substance abuse and mental health issues. The evil was there gently destroying the identity through manipulation and control slowly leading others to suicidal ideation. The evil had the face of an upper class guy with refined manners, hard cock, and fat banking accounts.

It took time to finally see the dirty truth inside the fancy packaging box.

life, love

Love is


Love lives within everyone. It makes no sense looking for it on dating websites or casting nervous glances dressed up and downtown on Friday night.

Are you still seeking the feeling that has always been here with you? Are you heart-broken trying to kill it forever? Stupid, very stupid. First, no one makes you heart-broken, but your own desires to suffer, to feel significant and unique. Second, as long as you are alive, love will always be there.

All you do – you suppress love, you bury it under piles of inferiority complexes, needs to comply with societal standards, rigid principles and stubborn morality. You are too brainwashed by how people should behave, what they should and should not do, and what you need to do to have love in your life. You refuse to feel unless love complies with social norms and stays within ethical guidelines sterile and merciless as surgical lightning.

You demand control and possession, loyalty and consistency. You are adamant that his or her genitals should only be your property, and you freak out when being hit by the reality that control is fake, possessing others is unfeasible, loyalty is a myth, and consistency is great when achieving career goals; but love has nothing to do with it.

You seek love desperate, angry, and vindictive that he or she does not belong to you. You are unwilling to relinquish the imposed by the society conditions under which love should appear or disappear. You label others, you label yourself. You run away from the simple truth that love cannot be put on solely one person.

You lock yourself from the truth that chaining the other human being through money, marriage, financial commitments, or kids has nothing to do with love. You are afraid to admit that people come into this world, live, and pass away by themselves, and forcing them to stay in relations with you forever will never work since loneliness is a part of our existence. Our paths may cross, we may walk the same road, but it is only temporarily, sooner or later we will part ways and proceed by ourselves. It is normal, it is natural, it is part of our life.

Do you want love? Why are you resisting to accept that love won’t fill in the emptiness in your soul? You created your emptiness and worthlessness, and you are searching for someone to relieve you from your own mess, seriously?

You want love in order not to feel lonely, really? Why can’t you enjoy the present of freedom that you have as a human being on this planet?

Are you scared to be by yourself?  – Having another person in your bed will silence your fears but only for a little while.

Are you guilty and ashamed that everyone is happy, and you are not?  – Happiness begins with your own inner world, if you are not happy with yourself, how can another person be happy around you?

Are you desperate? – You emit despair

Are you horny? – You emit lust

Are you needy? – You emit neediness

Despair, lust, and neediness have nothing to do with feelings, they are mere emotions that will get you hooked up with certain people that will satisfy your cravings but only for a very short time. You cannot resolve your own issues through others.

Can you feel sincerely happy for someone who wakes up and smiles with another person? Can you send all your positive energy to the one who is too busy to remember your birthday date and your existence? No? Is love something that you need to have another person on a leash to serve your interests, your ego, and your penis or vagina 24 hours a day? If so, you are not there yet, you still have a long way to go.




Falling in Love, Being a Sub


Greg’s hospital updated his photo on the billboard. I see his face on my drive to work and smile recognizing the checked shirt I gave him for Christmas. I love him, and fighting it does not make things better.

He came out from the shower that night, naked, erect, in a hurry. His flight to California was rescheduled, and he had a couple of hours prior heading to the airport. Focused and time-conscious, he never cared about fore-play. Instant shower and instant sex – always precise, always to the point. He was quick and rough taking me from behind. My forehead was pressing against the mirror as he penetrated me. He was forceful and impatient shoving his cock inside, I was quiet and passive. I knew he needed me otherwise I would not be squeezed into his busy schedule between surgical conferences and waffles with maple syrup. I heard his usual I-love-you-babe as he was about to cum and smiled to my reflection in the mirror. He pulled out after ejaculating as usually, not caring much that I was not on a pill.  I went into the kitchen to fix him a sandwich. He started getting dressed, his driver was waiting outside. The intimacy was quick and quiet.

He left, and I went into the bedroom with a fiber cloth and vinegar to clean the mirror from the forehead and palm traces.

Our relations were silent, physical, and weird. His mind was blank, his way of processing reality was very concrete and straightforward. – I need proof Vixen, what is it evidenced by?  – his approach to sex and life was similar to his working on research studies. Black and white, precise and fact-based. No shades, no excuses, no remorse, nothing.

 – You are a scholar yourself, you should understand, Vixen

I kept shaking my head. Working on my dissertation was just a way to buy a boat since Greg was too greedy to pay my yacht club membership. I did my best not to see this world through the prism of peer-reviewed articles. He did, combining dead book-knowledge with removing cancer from human bodies. Always stressed and always quiet.

I fell for him, for his ability to focus, to use me with his cock, and to discard me when I was not needed.

Would you love him if he were attentive and respectful? – Heather was curious.

 – I do not think so.

 – It is scary my dear, you seem to be into guys who cause you pain.

Heather was right, I was a sub, and there was not much that I could do about it.   


Being loyal, Greg, Honesty


–          Lying is a huge deal breaker, VixenGreg leaned towards me. I moved closer. Snuggling with him on the carpet was delightful. He was as warm as a big German Shepherd.

–          Where did this come from? – I was surprised at his attempts to start a conversation. Busy, focused, and introverted, he rarely shared anything with me. Our relationship was very physical, we conversed through touch and skin, verbal communication was very uncommon.

–          If you lie, I won’t be with you

–          I won’t lie

–          I am just saying, I am loyal, and expect it from you.

–          I am loyal, – I leaned on him and closed my eyes.  People need illusions that the world runs according to their expectations. I kept giving Greg the illusion of loyalty; it made him happy, he kept coming back, it made me happy.

I never got to realize what is so attractive about loyalty that people are ready to separate, divorce, or even become violent with each other after they realize that they are not the only ones in their partner’s life. We are not unique, people can be substituted, it is not a big deal, it is the way things work in this world.

I will say whatever Greg wants to hear to support the fallacy that he is the only man I care for in my life. Crushing this illusion would be painful to him, and I do not want it. When you love you want to make sure that he or she feels good. I love Greg. I want him happy and stress-free, he will never know that my heart is capable of having feelings for other people. He does not need to know.

–          What is going on between you and Jim?

–          Nothing, – I knew Jim would never tell the truth, he kept his profile very low; plus admitting to the fact that he is around a girl like me could harm his spotless reputation.

–          Did you break up with him?

–          Yes.

–          Good.

That’s it, end of discussion. He opened up for a moment to get the confirmation that I am still his possession. Once he got it, he shut down almost immediately. I felt his relief as he was crawling back into his shell. His mind was phenomenal – copious publications, spectacular career in otolaryngology, recent promotion to the CEO position, he was genius, simply genius.

We maintained the eye-contact having sex on his leather loveseat. I had my legs on his shoulders, he was very affectionate, I was totally surrendering to him. He reached orgasm and turned on the TV. I started picking up the clothes from the carpet.

–          Are you loyal, Vixen?

I flinched feeling his gaze on my back and slowly turned around. He was staring at me intensely without smiling. Our eyes met, and for the first time I sensed his need to have me in his life. I was finally invited into his inner world carefully hidden behind the silence of his introversion.

–          Yes, Greg, – I am only loyal to myself, but he does not need to know. He felt very naïve and vulnerable, and I did not want to hurt his feelings.