happiness, life, love, mind, psychology, relationships

I Am Average


 – You are very predictable and pedestrian, why am I even talking to you? – Jim was furious. He was always furious around me. I made him extremely angry all the time; angry and horny. I kept telling him we are incompatible, and we should break up, but he never listened.

 – I do not know why you are still with me, maybe you like the way I f*ck?

 – Hell no, sex with you is mediocre.

 – I have no idea than, – I shrugged my shoulders, – You can always leave.

 – If I leave now, you will never see me again, is this what you want?      

 He was right I am very average.

I kill 8 hours of my day in the office, work out several times a week to keep my butt firm and round, drink water to reduce the appetite, and am quiet to look smart.

I love money, chocolate, and flirting with my dentist.

I hate Mondays and crave for Friday evenings 6 days a week.

I routinely pay my bills, desperately fight my age, and love guys who take care of my needs.

I bleach my teeth, dream of a long vacation in Italy, and smell glossy pages of fashion magazines in beauty salons.

I have two hands, two legs, one head, one pussy, money anxiety, and retinol creams on my nightstand.

I am boringly predictable, worldly, and dispickably non-special. I am just an average-looking girl focused on raising the kid and cutting back on carbs, sugar, and salt.

I am an average person having happy moments and issues like everyone else, not trying to lie to myself about extraordinary abilities, special skills, ever-lasting youth, and other crap.

I just live my life aching from push-ups, watching sunsets, and growing roses neither bragging nor complaining about my mediocrity.

 – You love me Jim, – he dragged his gaze away from stocks trackers in his iPhone, tired and crestfallen.

 – Now what?

 – You love me because I am very average.

crazy, happiness, life, love, mind, psychology, relationships, sex

Reflecting on Love


I love f*cking you, – I put the emphasis on love and f*cking, I held his gaze, feeling all dizzy and happy at the same time.

I love f*cking you,  –  He had to present at a medical conference in North Carolina. He was bored and freezing and wanted me there. A miserable economy flight, a rental vehicle, and yellowed bed sheets in a cheap hotel.  I was shipped like a package. He was greedy, I was in love, I had fun, I did not care.

I love f*cking you, – early cold morning, watching mountains through a dirty window of a local coffee shop, clutching a hot mug with frozen fingers. He was finishing breakfast, busy and focused on the stock charts in his iPhone.

  – The room is booked till the end of this week. You can stay here if you like, – rainy day and foggy mountains, too cold for hiking, too wet for horseback riding. He had to leave for the airport, the cab was waiting. International flight, cancer conference in Zurich, wife and kids in California.  – This is for groceries, gas, and shopping. Buy something warm, I do not want you sick, – I smiled as he was taking cash out of his wallet. I was about to return to the room and get some sleep on the bedlinen that still had his smell.

 – Good luck with your pathology report. Switzerland is nice, you will like it, Greg.

I love f*cking you.  – Every time he left, I never knew if he will ever be back. I learned to live here-and-now; this prevented me from redundant illusions and sufferings, this kept me going, this saved me from thinking too much.

 – Bye Vixen, – he signed the bill after carefully studying it. He never tipped. He had no regard for people in general, and for servers in particular, – We have chemistry, I want to see you next week. Have a safe flight back home.

– Bye Greg. I love f*cking you.

– That does not sound romantic, but I love you anyways, – A quick kiss and a tight hug. He left. I kept smiling.

For the first time in eight long years I heard his I love you. I was neither surprised nor shocked leaving the coffee shop. I was not ready to hope or expect anything from him. I had no desire to create any illusions, all I wanted was to return to the hotel and get some sleep.        


My Lover Versus my New Date


Dave and I met through Heather. He told me I am unique and invited me out.

 – I am very selective about people I communicate with, but meeting you is not an accident. You are truly an angel, an incredible lady. I would like to learn more about you.

 – Ok, – after breaking up with Jim I felt kinda bored and scheduled the date between my dental appointment and picking up my son from his sitter.

Dave specialized in finance and executive management, owned several healthcare companies, and did consulting. He was into yoga and Buddhism, had a bleached smile, a pleasant demeanor, and smelled like expensive perfume.

 – Go out and have fun, maybe it is the match, and you will finally move to a big house and sleep 12 hours daily, – Heather was persuasive. She wanted me to marry someone established, I wanted passion, affection, and a firm big cock.   

 – Ok, ok, I will go

I showed up right after taking care of my tooth, still numb from the anesthetic, unable to move the right side of my face. Dave laughed at my asymmetric smile and gave me a hug. He looked fit and open. The waiter brought his cappuccino with my water and dessert. I took a bite of the cherry-oats cookie and closed my eyes turning my face to the evening sun.

He came from the family of lawyers, graduated from law school, but found the court system too aggressive and went into finance.

 – Hun, I became a multimillionaire when I turned 40. And still am. But it took time to realize that money do not bring true happiness, – he presented as sophisticated and classy.

I offered him to bite off my cookie, he politely refused with the yikes expression on his face.

Greg would eat the whole piece and would lick the crumbs off my fingers. But Greg was not a purebred lawyer with multi-millions in savings and refined manners. He was just a surgeon, extremely traumatized by his childhood and locked in his own shell.

 – I had a fantastic childhood, we never lived in unsafe areas, always upscale communities, I have never needed anything, never been fired, never struggled financially, but if my friends need help, they can always stop by to fish, to play golf, and to relax. I teach them to see beyond their capacity. Ultimate fun and ultimate grief are just passing waves in the ocean. Highs and lows. But we are not the waves, we are the ocean, this is what people need to realize, – I kept nodding pretending that I was listening. He was elegantly snobbish, knowledgeable of the Eastern philosophy, and extremely polite, which was nice and very asexual.

Greg would put his hand under my skirt checking if I had my panties on. I would blush at his horny look, feeling embarrassed, insulted, and sexually aroused.

 – I am one of few who believes in chivalry luv, I will always treat you with respect. I will never ask for an explicit picture, it is disgusting what some people do today, – Dave kept speaking, I kept feeling bored.

Greg craved for my naked photos, “I want a picture of your pussy, I will jerk off tonight”. He was blunt, I was compliant. His straightforwardness was naïve, intimidating, and hot.

Dave was descent, well-mannered, and cold. There was no click, no chemistry, nothing.

He asked me a bunch of questions about my past, I responded watching the shock on his face; his fancy mind could not grasp the story of being homeless. Greg could understand, he was a mongrel like myself.

He took me to my vehicle asking when we would meet the next time. I gave him a smile and blocked his phone number later that night.

 – He can make you happy, he is stable, single, generous, what else do you want? – Heather was mad, I did not care.

She was right though, he was stable, even-minded, and emotionally healthy. He was raised in love and had been carrying the feeling of safety throughout his life. I was not ready for a man like this.

Greg used me as a stress reliever, making love to him was awesome. Sex was the only way for him to express himself without hiding behind the introversion. He threw at me fireworks of emotion, I was always receptive and thankful. His mind could flip quickly getting him from 0 to 100, and from 100 to 0, he instantly shifted from being sexually aggressive to cold and disinterested. His attitude was unhealthy, draining, disrespectful, and very enticing. I needed that roller-coaster. I loved it. We were both traumatized by the past, we did not have the inner safety and security that Dave attained as a child in his happy family.

I felt happy for Dave and very grateful to have Greg in my life.