crazy, happiness, health, life, love, mind, psychology, relationships, sex

Power of Physical Attraction


I never liked the way he looked, he talked, he acted. His smiles were fake, his demeanor was offensive. I simply tolerated his condescending attitude and lack of compassion since the physical aspect was awesome.

Don’t you like anything about me at all?  –  I felt irritation in his voice when he confronted me with this question and did not respond. Sex with him was magical, he was hot and cold, strong and weak, passionate and negligently cruel all at the same time. Outside the bedroom there was no connection, no mutual interests, nothing. He seemed to hate everything about me. I was too skinny, too hysterical, too talkative, too worldly, too emotional.

Why are you with me? – I was really curious what kept him near me; he had no answer.

I made the decision to stop the relationship and texted him “bye now” and immediately received “You are trash, you do not deserve me”. He seemed to be pissed, I was tired and ready to go to bed.

My withdrawal started a week after. The desire to be close grew from strong to mind-blowing. The pain was very real and very physical. Our relations were purely sexual. I allowed him to crawl into my body, to germinate, to root. Breaking the connection felt worse than extracting wisdom teeth without anesthesia.

Three weeks after he gave me a call and asked to meet.

I entered a cheap Asian diner and saw him immediately; cold eyes, expensive suit, and pragmatic mercilessness. Our eyes met, the wave of pain and desire literally blinded me for a moment.

He gestured to sit down and moved to me his bowl of rice. – You are too thin. You gotta eat.

I smiled reaching out for chopsticks. I felt hungry and slightly dizzy. – How are you?  

I am good, luv. I worry about you.

 – Ok, – the rice was yummy

I can’t be with you.

 – Ok

I can’t. You know who I am, right? – He held a senior executive position in an oil and gas company, worked almost 24 hours a day and drove a luxury vehicle.

Yes, I know who you are

Honey, my friends, family, my business partners, everyone will make fun of me if we are together.

Can you order more rice, please? – I had not eaten for days, after we broke up depression hit me really hard.

Please, look in the mirror. You are drab and mousy. Did you see women I dated before?

 – Yes, – I finally looked up, tired of talking to the rice bowl and the dirty table.  

 – They are classy, well-maintained. It would take time and money to turn you into someone I could officially take out to dinner. Boob job, Botox, professional stylist, hear-dresser, everything.  It makes sense to find someone ready-made than to invest in you. You do not know how to behave, you are too short, and you are so … so anorexic.

 – I want more rice

 – I want you

– I know, buy me more rice – I was hungry and happy to see him again

–  Yes, yes, sure, – he hurried to the self-serve kiosk to place another order. Athletic, perfectly-ironed, smelling like money, almost an alien in that crappy place. He returned with a platter of veggies and water.  – I really hate this place, hon.

 – Why did you choose it?

 – Close to my office, plus none of my work team or friends come here

 – Why did you want to meet?

 – To tell you it is over

– It was over 3 weeks ago, – I was calm and curious. I knew my pain would hit me later. Days felt ok; neediness and cravings usually returned in the evening. – Bye

We met the next day, and the next day, and the next day. I loved his place, top-grade, water view, Zen style. It was absurd and stupid. We had nothing in common, we were entire strangers. I knew I needed to block his phone number and move on, but I could not. Sex was the only thing that seemed to connect us, but that connection was too tight, too strong, too painful to break. I finally gave up thinking and started laughing every time he texted the usual “how was your day luv? I will be waiting for you in that crappy diner”.

crazy, happiness, life, love, mind, psychology, relationships, sex

Reflecting on Love


I love f*cking you, – I put the emphasis on love and f*cking, I held his gaze, feeling all dizzy and happy at the same time.

I love f*cking you,  –  He had to present at a medical conference in North Carolina. He was bored and freezing and wanted me there. A miserable economy flight, a rental vehicle, and yellowed bed sheets in a cheap hotel.  I was shipped like a package. He was greedy, I was in love, I had fun, I did not care.

I love f*cking you, – early cold morning, watching mountains through a dirty window of a local coffee shop, clutching a hot mug with frozen fingers. He was finishing breakfast, busy and focused on the stock charts in his iPhone.

  – The room is booked till the end of this week. You can stay here if you like, – rainy day and foggy mountains, too cold for hiking, too wet for horseback riding. He had to leave for the airport, the cab was waiting. International flight, cancer conference in Zurich, wife and kids in California.  – This is for groceries, gas, and shopping. Buy something warm, I do not want you sick, – I smiled as he was taking cash out of his wallet. I was about to return to the room and get some sleep on the bedlinen that still had his smell.

 – Good luck with your pathology report. Switzerland is nice, you will like it, Greg.

I love f*cking you.  – Every time he left, I never knew if he will ever be back. I learned to live here-and-now; this prevented me from redundant illusions and sufferings, this kept me going, this saved me from thinking too much.

 – Bye Vixen, – he signed the bill after carefully studying it. He never tipped. He had no regard for people in general, and for servers in particular, – We have chemistry, I want to see you next week. Have a safe flight back home.

– Bye Greg. I love f*cking you.

– That does not sound romantic, but I love you anyways, – A quick kiss and a tight hug. He left. I kept smiling.

For the first time in eight long years I heard his I love you. I was neither surprised nor shocked leaving the coffee shop. I was not ready to hope or expect anything from him. I had no desire to create any illusions, all I wanted was to return to the hotel and get some sleep.        


Affection, Luxury, and Disgust.


Dave wanted me out again. His “you just need real love, the unconditional kind” melted my heart. He was right, I needed love, and after such words I was ready to give him as many chances as needed.

He gave me a call early on Saturday morning.  – Find a sitter for your son and head here. We will go on a boat, I will make you smile. Of course, I will pay for the sitter and for your gas, just stop by.

Heather was right, his house was big and beautiful – a block away from the Gulf of Mexico. Lovely boat dock, open living room with teak ceiling accents, huge lanai with the water view, private waterfront pool and spa.

–  Please take off your shoes, I do not want you to stain the carpets upstairs, – he kept smiling, I kept blushing. – We can go out fishing or stay at the pool, it’s up to you, – I shrugged my shoulders checking my iPhone for messages from my son’s sitter.

He carefully rubbed the sunscreen all over my back, his touch was gentle, his demeanor was polite, he felt like his house: clean, distant, and surreal. – I kept reaching out for my iPhone until he took it from my fingers. – Your son will be fine. You worry too much, my love. I need to work with you on getting you relaxed.

The water was crystal clear, I swam to the edge of the pool ready to work on my pull-ups when I felt Dave’s hands hugging me from behind. – You gotta relax Vixen, you are always on the go, that’s not good. I should teach you how to take things easy.

– Yes, but I would like to exercise

– Stop it, – he squeezed me tight to his body. Spooning with him in the water was fun, he smelt like lime and peppermint.

 – Why are you wearing your watch under the water?

 – It’s water-proof, can you finally relax and stop talking? – there was a slight irritation in his voice, I did not care, I glanced towards the Rolex on his wrist to check the time. I had an hour prior returning to my kid. – You are an interesting lady, I have difficulty figuring you out.

 – There is nothing to figure out, Dave.

– You are impatient, your mind is all over the place, you can’t focus

– Ok

– You can say something back if you like, we are talking now

– I have nothing to say.

– Your perception of the world is skewed, but you are sexy. I will need to teach you lots of things.

I was quiet, the water in the pool was refreshing, the whole outdoor living area looked rich and lovely. He started kissing me, I slightly responded trying to release his grip off my butt.

– Did I offend you? – he sounded upset as I got out of the pool and started looking around in search of a towel. My gaze dropped to the outside fireplace area, and I saw several empty liquor bottles. I froze, I shuddered. I have zero tolerance for alcohol. My passion for him vanished instantly, all I wanted was to leave and never come back

– Do you like hard liquor?

-I do, does it matter

-It is your house, do what you want, I really do not care

-My friends were here yesterday, we had a nice time, don’t be paranoid my dear, I only had 7 shots

– Ok, – Snobbism, criticism, condescending attitude, and now – drinking. The initially presented ideal picture of the well-mannered gentleman in a Tuscan villa collapsed entirely, I felt disgusted. He was watching me like a hungry dog as I was taking off the wet swimming suit. I needed to dry and get out of that place.

 – Would you like to go upstairs honey? I can go down on you, I am really good at it.

 – Maybe next time? – I sensed his horniness with my naked skin, but it meant nothing, it was the end of magic, my fascination with his wealth was gone.

 – I want you to stay, Vixen.

 – Why did you break up with your girlfriend, if you do not mind me asking?

 – Of course not, I am an open book. She got suicidal, drank too much liquor, took one of my guns, and attempted to shoot herself. She was nuts, an alcoholic, accused me of cheating, crazy, I am glad we broke up, now I can tame you. By the way, did I tell you I collect guns? We can go upstairs, and I will show you….

 – What do you mean by taming me?

– You are like a cat bouncy and frisky. It will take time to get you where you should be. You need discipline, I will help, I want you happy.

Alcohol, guns, suicidal ideation, and nagging attempts to adjust me to his needs. Fake sweetness, violence through the velvet glove. The house was no longer attractive. Heather has a poor taste for guys. I hurriedly got dressed and left regretting that I wasted the whole morning in that damn place rather than playing with my son