Adam, dominance, Jim, love, subordination

Love versus Possession

     

      – Do you love me Vixen?

I hated when Jimasked this question. He lived in the black and white world where everything was either Yes or No; he did not see any other colors. He expected the concrete answer from the concrete woman. But there was no answer, and I was neither concrete nor real.

            
       Honey, please, put your phone down and answer my question.  – I was checking flights to Cyprus, fantasizing about Mediterranean olives, pink flamingos, and mountain tours.   – Are you texting another guy?

I shuddered at his dark and heavy look and turned the gaze from my iPhone. – Look at me Vixen.    – Our eyes met, he was unsmiling, controlling and possessive as usual.  

          
         I am planning a vacation in Cyprus  

          Who is paying for it?

          None of your business

          I pay your bills, I need to know.

I quietly put the iPhone aside; there was something evil and hypnotic about him, something that kept me around after copious hysterical attempts to break up.

      
             Do you do witchcraft on me, Jim?  

          If I did, you would be on your knees sucking my cock. It’s love. Don’t you understand?

          No, it’s not. You do not treat people you love like possessions…

          You are not my possession. You are my girlfriend.

          Can you share me?

          No, – he was quick, categoric, and angry. – Never.

          Because there is no love. When you love someone, you want to make him or her feel good. You do not want to see me having sex with another man even if it gives me pleasure. Why?

          You belong to me, if you cheat on me, it will be over.

          Whatever,  – I really hated this conversation

          Don’t you have any feelings for me at all?

          I do.

          Why do you want to f*ck another guy, who is he by the way?

          You want to watch me with another woman, why can’t you watch me having sex with another man?

          Do you mean the crazy guy who should be arrested for masturbating in a public place?

          He was doing in an on-call room

          While having you on the phone, he is nuts… Actually on-call room is a public place.

          Ok, – I really needed a vacation.  

          Do you love me, Vixen?

          I gotta go.

          What about that guy?

          I gotta go

I was alive, I had feelings, I could be giving and receiving, but Jim’s constant attempts to crawl under my skin and into my mind kept me off. I felt almost suffocating under his control. The dominance in bed was fun, but being a sub in the real life made me sick.

          Are you with Adam?

          We are just friends

          I want you to stop it.

          Why?

          He is sick

          We all are

Adam’s sickness was funny, touching, and naive, Jim’s sickness was dark and scary. Adam’s “hey baby” made me smile. We were friends. Jim never got that. He wanted my entire belongingness and subordination, it was exciting, but it killed love.   

          We are not compatible, please let me go, – I was tired, he was consistent.    

          I am the only normal person in your life. You are too vulnerable, I can’t leave you now. Do you love me Vixen?  

       Back on my iPhone checking flight and hotel deals, thinking about old Larnaca streets and Cypriot coffee. I felt I was already there. Cold April water and laid-back hotel service. This time I will take my son, he will love it.

          Do you love me Vixen?  

He was trying to shuck me like an oyster. It was the time for me to go.  
Jim, power, subordination

Dom and Sub, Choking, Jim


          Stop lying to yourself. You like Jim, – The morning started with Heather’s phone call.
          I am in the middle of something, may I call you back later? – I had no desire to talk to her. 

Initially, it was her idea to introduce me to Rick; the crazy motherf*cker who was into knocking up random women. I slowly stretched under the blanket reluctant to get out of bed.
 
She was actually right. I liked Jim, otherwise I would not keep coming back every time I felt I was done with his possessiveness. I recalled his recent “be my sub, please your man” and felt a slight tingle between my legs. I was submissive, he was dominant, one part of me hated his constant attempts to get me totally subservient. The other part was easily aroused every time he approached me with something like “I want to f*ck my hot submissive Vixen”.  He was not Greg, he was much more persistent and controlling. Teasing him was like playing with fire. Jim could destroy me, his obsessiveness got me scared and horny, I wanted to dump him, and I wanted intimacy at the same time. Feeling up and down, never ending drama.
 
          You send mixed signals, you seduce and then you freeze, I can’t figure you out
          Than don’t, don’t figure me out, I am not an oyster for you to crack
Less than a second, and he got very close. His hand tightened around my neck, our eyes met, I felt like melting, seriously melting while holding his gaze.
          You like it rough, right?
I kept quietly holding his gaze, he had that heavy, unreadable look in his eyes that was always my huge turn-on. There was something hypnotic about his power, all I wanted was to give in and entirely dissolve. The arousal started from my neck and went down. His other hand was in my panties, the fingers sliding into me. I closed my eyes focusing on the weird sensation: horny and scared at the same time. He took his hand off my neck not waiting for our safe word.
 
          What is on your mind, Vixen?
 I shook my head unwilling to open my eyes. He kept trying to understand me, I kept hiding in my own world.
–            Will you be my sub? Will you please your master? I will cherish you for that
 
I did not want to respond, he would not like my answer anyway. He was trying to understand what does not exist. I felt like being split in thousand tiny pieces that he was trying to collect without asking if I needed it. He was trying to fix what Greg kept destroying randomly showing up in my life. But Greg could assemble me with a short “I want you now” text message; and I would be there, forgetting and forgiving everything. The essence of true submission, the psychological aspect of complete subordination; the ability to give, give, and give, without asking or expecting anything in return.
 
I finally got out of bed and went into the shower. It was the time to get ready, pack the suitcase, and check out. I was happy to leave Jacksonville, it was not too hospitable to me this time.