feelings, James, solitude

My Solitude


Smoothly running sound of the engine, soft rock in the car stereo, and the darkness of the highway – my best therapy when I drive home.  After years of chaos, I finally found the peace I never had in the past; and I profusely enjoy it with each cell of my body.

I come back, light a candle on the patio table, and watch the flame through the glass of the candle lantern – the very precious moment of my solitude that I attained after decades of fear to be by myself.    

Being on my own sounds magical as bamboo chimes, feels fresh as crispy linen, tastes yummy as dark chocolate. Solitude is the path to an awe-inspiring adventure evocative of horse nickering, saltiness of raw oysters, and anime coloring with fluorescent pencils. 

I was trying to let James know about it, but he was not in agreement. He kept looking for the partner in crime, for the love of his life to realize his kinky bedroom fantasies.
He was the one who helped me heal through respect and care when I was entirely destroyed by Greg. I wanted a game of chess, and I got it. I wanted potted roses, and they were delivered to me promptly. I wanted a weekend in Jamaica, and James got the flight tickets the following day. Unlike Greg, James satisfied all my needs. I was thankful, I appreciated his friendship. He had the touch of an angel, it felt so nice, but I needed my privacy.

          Do you still love him, Vixen?
          I do
          What if you never be together again?
          I will be by myself
          Do you wanna come over and fuck? – James’ persistence in the urge for a quickie was amazing
          No

The night we had that conversation I was into viewing stars with my telescope and did not care much about James’ wants and needs. The solitude is enticing, and none of my dates can actually substitute it regardless of the value of their gifts and the size of their penises.
feelings, James, solitude

Weekend and Solitude


My weekend always belongs to myself. I never share it with anyone outside my small but tight mommy-kiddo alliance. Neither do I worry too much about the upcoming week. My phone is off, my skin is exposed to the freshness of the sea air and the honey smell of my body lotion. No Greg or his wife, no drama, only water, wind, and fat screaming pelicans around.

Next time Greg comes over, I will ask for the off-season yacht club membership to deal with the waves and my sea sickness in solitude.
Solitude is the key word here. I love being alone. The older I get, the more I enjoy being with myself, therefore, I have difficulty understanding James’ hystericalI-am-afraid-of-dying-alone.

          What is wrong about passing away on your own? You can’t take anyone with you anyways if this is not their time, – I squinted, the sun was too bright as I was watching the horizon.
          It is scary, I always wanted to be with the one woman, the one I could introduce to my kids, the one who would accept me with my kinks, – James’ openness was amazing.

I shifted my gaze from the water to his worried face and gave him a smile, it was late morning, time to be by myself after our usual Saturday breakfast. But something stopped me from leaving his boat immediately; James was scarily pale and seemingly desperate.

          I wish I had your fears my friend. I could not have cared less if I die lonely or not.
          It is painful to be pushed away once you disclose your sexual preferences to them, – he sounded bitter.
          Maybe you should not burden others with your kinky stuff on the first date? – I really wanted to help.

I always wondered how James could have something in common with my Greg. They were different, too different, James was subservient and sensitively vulnerable like myself. Greg was psychopathically dominant and straightforwardly rude.  

          You know my kinks, you are fine with them, we should be together, get me out of the friendzone.
          And what shall you do with your other five sugar babies, my lonely friend? – There was no sarcasm in my voice, I was just truly interested why someone who is constantly surrounded by beautiful young women considers himself an abandoned and rejected loner.   
          Be my last woman ever, – he sounded serious, so damn serious that I got scared.
          You are my good friend, I want you as my friend. You invite me over, you prepare breakfast, you give me a nice massage, you know all my heart-breaking stories, let’s keep it this way, please, – a crazy seagull flew so close that I thought her wings would slap me in the face.

It was getting hot, the heat mixed with the new boat smell was making me a bit dizzy, I really wanted to leave and start my lovely lonely Saturday.

          I will stop communicating with my other women and …
          And I do not want you to do that, – I was looking around in search for my sunscreen lotion,  I love you the way you are, you are my friend
          Aren’t you scared of being lonely, of being rejected because of your kinks?
          I love my solitude, I am fine if people know about my sexual preferences, we are all abnormally perverted, what’s a big deal?
          Tell me about your kinks
          Bye James, – he was giving me that puppy-eyed look that raised the motherly desire to give him a hug and put his head on my chest.

 I put my hair up in a ponytail and reached out for my handbag.    

          Wait, you can stay and cuddle with me all day. You do not have to see him, he is with Emy, and I am single
          Bye dear,  There was no point for me to stay any longer, he needed to fish and suffer on his own. And I could not skip the serenity of my precious lonely Saturday.