I never liked the way he looked, he talked, he acted. His smiles were fake, his demeanor was offensive. I simply tolerated his condescending attitude and lack of compassion since the physical aspect was awesome.
– Don’t you like anything about me at all? – I felt irritation in his voice when he confronted me with this question and did not respond. Sex with him was magical, he was hot and cold, strong and weak, passionate and negligently cruel all at the same time. Outside the bedroom there was no connection, no mutual interests, nothing. He seemed to hate everything about me. I was too skinny, too hysterical, too talkative, too worldly, too emotional.
– Why are you with me? – I was really curious what kept him near me; he had no answer.
I made the decision to stop the relationship and texted him “bye now” and immediately received “You are trash, you do not deserve me”. He seemed to be pissed, I was tired and ready to go to bed.
My withdrawal started a week after. The desire to be close grew from strong to mind-blowing. The pain was very real and very physical. Our relations were purely sexual. I allowed him to crawl into my body, to germinate, to root. Breaking the connection felt worse than extracting wisdom teeth without anesthesia.
Three weeks after he gave me a call and asked to meet.
I entered a cheap Asian diner and saw him immediately; cold eyes, expensive suit, and pragmatic mercilessness. Our eyes met, the wave of pain and desire literally blinded me for a moment.
He gestured to sit down and moved to me his bowl of rice. – You are too thin. You gotta eat.
I smiled reaching out for chopsticks. I felt hungry and slightly dizzy. – How are you?
– I am good, luv. I worry about you.
– Ok, – the rice was yummy
– I can’t be with you.
– I can’t. You know who I am, right? – He held a senior executive position in an oil and gas company, worked almost 24 hours a day and drove a luxury vehicle.
– Yes, I know who you are
– Honey, my friends, family, my business partners, everyone will make fun of me if we are together.
– Can you order more rice, please? – I had not eaten for days, after we broke up depression hit me really hard.
– Please, look in the mirror. You are drab and mousy. Did you see women I dated before?
– Yes, – I finally looked up, tired of talking to the rice bowl and the dirty table.
– They are classy, well-maintained. It would take time and money to turn you into someone I could officially take out to dinner. Boob job, Botox, professional stylist, hear-dresser, everything. It makes sense to find someone ready-made than to invest in you. You do not know how to behave, you are too short, and you are so … so anorexic.
– I want more rice
– I want you
– I know, buy me more rice – I was hungry and happy to see him again
– Yes, yes, sure, – he hurried to the self-serve kiosk to place another order. Athletic, perfectly-ironed, smelling like money, almost an alien in that crappy place. He returned with a platter of veggies and water. – I really hate this place, hon.
– Why did you choose it?
– Close to my office, plus none of my work team or friends come here
– Why did you want to meet?
– To tell you it is over
– It was over 3 weeks ago, – I was calm and curious. I knew my pain would hit me later. Days felt ok; neediness and cravings usually returned in the evening. – Bye
We met the next day, and the next day, and the next day. I loved his place, top-grade, water view, Zen style. It was absurd and stupid. We had nothing in common, we were entire strangers. I knew I needed to block his phone number and move on, but I could not. Sex was the only thing that seemed to connect us, but that connection was too tight, too strong, too painful to break. I finally gave up thinking and started laughing every time he texted the usual “how was your day luv? I will be waiting for you in that crappy diner”.