dominance, feelings, James, Jim, sex, submission

Dominance and Submission. Sex. Jim

 

I am scared of Jim, of his power, his dominance, and his ability to get his way remaining deaf and blind to the needs of others. I can beg him on my knees, he will step over and move on. Actually not, first, he will have me kiss his feet, he is dom. “Get on your knees, quickly; I want you to worship me, Vixen”.  I bend, I surrender myself, I am afraid he will destroy me, and the feeling of fear gets me all aroused.

 

Persistently and slowly he spreads his tentacles through my life withdrawing me from those who I love and who love me.  He did his best to cut me off James, and he succeeded. I have not seen James for a long time. Now, he hates my best girlfriend, a nice Christian girl who does my taxes. “She is rude, lazy, and ignorant, she is giving you bad advice on taxes, she has no understanding of the tax code, she is not really your friend, she is an idiot”.

 

          But she is my best friend, you cannot just come into my life and put labels on people I love

 

          I am your friend, I am probably the most normal person you ever had in your crazy life. You gotta start trusting me, Vixen.

 

I never did. Being around him feels like playing with fire; dangerous and enticing. No trust, no love, pure lust and obsession with domination and submission.  

 

He never listens. He does not care about my feelings, He wants me to bow down and kiss his feet, and I do.  He bends me over the couch forcefully spreading my legs, and I give in. He keeps extending his dominance outside the bedroom, I quietly surrender. He stretches out his tentacles to all aspects of my life, and it is scary, and exciting; I feel dizzy and get wet at his heavy look. He is gaining more and more power over me, part of me resists it, part of me hates him, part of me gets turned on.

 

He fiercely pulls my hair, I whisper our safe word “yellow” and he lets me go. One day he did not. He got aggressive and intense, pulling my hair too hard. My whispering “Yellow” turned into crying “Red! Stop! Leave me now!” He finally came and released his grip.

 

          I love sex with you Vixen. You are totally submissive, I can’t get enough of you.

 

          You were supposed to stop when I say our safe word. You will end up hurting me and going to jail, – it went too far, I was sore and scared.

 

          I will never hurt you.

 

I was hypnotized by his power and control. It had nothing to do with love. I loved Greg, I craved Jim; he was way too hot and dramatic to be loved. He pushed my buttons, got me crazy, and brought me back to sanity through his dick. I melted, entirely losing my identity, totally subordinating myself to his dominance. It had nothing to do with love. It was a pure addiction.

 

My neighbor stopped by later that night. She brought zucchini and tomatoes. We chatted, we laughed, I enjoyed fresh veggie bites with olive oil and pepper putting the weird dom/sub episode in the back of my mind. I was too tired to think if I want to see Jim again.   
Adam, dominance, Jim, love, subordination

Love versus Possession

     

      – Do you love me Vixen?

I hated when Jimasked this question. He lived in the black and white world where everything was either Yes or No; he did not see any other colors. He expected the concrete answer from the concrete woman. But there was no answer, and I was neither concrete nor real.

            
       Honey, please, put your phone down and answer my question.  – I was checking flights to Cyprus, fantasizing about Mediterranean olives, pink flamingos, and mountain tours.   – Are you texting another guy?

I shuddered at his dark and heavy look and turned the gaze from my iPhone. – Look at me Vixen.    – Our eyes met, he was unsmiling, controlling and possessive as usual.  

          
         I am planning a vacation in Cyprus  

          Who is paying for it?

          None of your business

          I pay your bills, I need to know.

I quietly put the iPhone aside; there was something evil and hypnotic about him, something that kept me around after copious hysterical attempts to break up.

      
             Do you do witchcraft on me, Jim?  

          If I did, you would be on your knees sucking my cock. It’s love. Don’t you understand?

          No, it’s not. You do not treat people you love like possessions…

          You are not my possession. You are my girlfriend.

          Can you share me?

          No, – he was quick, categoric, and angry. – Never.

          Because there is no love. When you love someone, you want to make him or her feel good. You do not want to see me having sex with another man even if it gives me pleasure. Why?

          You belong to me, if you cheat on me, it will be over.

          Whatever,  – I really hated this conversation

          Don’t you have any feelings for me at all?

          I do.

          Why do you want to f*ck another guy, who is he by the way?

          You want to watch me with another woman, why can’t you watch me having sex with another man?

          Do you mean the crazy guy who should be arrested for masturbating in a public place?

          He was doing in an on-call room

          While having you on the phone, he is nuts… Actually on-call room is a public place.

          Ok, – I really needed a vacation.  

          Do you love me, Vixen?

          I gotta go.

          What about that guy?

          I gotta go

I was alive, I had feelings, I could be giving and receiving, but Jim’s constant attempts to crawl under my skin and into my mind kept me off. I felt almost suffocating under his control. The dominance in bed was fun, but being a sub in the real life made me sick.

          Are you with Adam?

          We are just friends

          I want you to stop it.

          Why?

          He is sick

          We all are

Adam’s sickness was funny, touching, and naive, Jim’s sickness was dark and scary. Adam’s “hey baby” made me smile. We were friends. Jim never got that. He wanted my entire belongingness and subordination, it was exciting, but it killed love.   

          We are not compatible, please let me go, – I was tired, he was consistent.    

          I am the only normal person in your life. You are too vulnerable, I can’t leave you now. Do you love me Vixen?  

       Back on my iPhone checking flight and hotel deals, thinking about old Larnaca streets and Cypriot coffee. I felt I was already there. Cold April water and laid-back hotel service. This time I will take my son, he will love it.

          Do you love me Vixen?  

He was trying to shuck me like an oyster. It was the time for me to go.  
Jim, power, subordination

Dom and Sub, Choking, Jim


          Stop lying to yourself. You like Jim, – The morning started with Heather’s phone call.
          I am in the middle of something, may I call you back later? – I had no desire to talk to her. 

Initially, it was her idea to introduce me to Rick; the crazy motherf*cker who was into knocking up random women. I slowly stretched under the blanket reluctant to get out of bed.
 
She was actually right. I liked Jim, otherwise I would not keep coming back every time I felt I was done with his possessiveness. I recalled his recent “be my sub, please your man” and felt a slight tingle between my legs. I was submissive, he was dominant, one part of me hated his constant attempts to get me totally subservient. The other part was easily aroused every time he approached me with something like “I want to f*ck my hot submissive Vixen”.  He was not Greg, he was much more persistent and controlling. Teasing him was like playing with fire. Jim could destroy me, his obsessiveness got me scared and horny, I wanted to dump him, and I wanted intimacy at the same time. Feeling up and down, never ending drama.
 
          You send mixed signals, you seduce and then you freeze, I can’t figure you out
          Than don’t, don’t figure me out, I am not an oyster for you to crack
Less than a second, and he got very close. His hand tightened around my neck, our eyes met, I felt like melting, seriously melting while holding his gaze.
          You like it rough, right?
I kept quietly holding his gaze, he had that heavy, unreadable look in his eyes that was always my huge turn-on. There was something hypnotic about his power, all I wanted was to give in and entirely dissolve. The arousal started from my neck and went down. His other hand was in my panties, the fingers sliding into me. I closed my eyes focusing on the weird sensation: horny and scared at the same time. He took his hand off my neck not waiting for our safe word.
 
          What is on your mind, Vixen?
 I shook my head unwilling to open my eyes. He kept trying to understand me, I kept hiding in my own world.
–            Will you be my sub? Will you please your master? I will cherish you for that
 
I did not want to respond, he would not like my answer anyway. He was trying to understand what does not exist. I felt like being split in thousand tiny pieces that he was trying to collect without asking if I needed it. He was trying to fix what Greg kept destroying randomly showing up in my life. But Greg could assemble me with a short “I want you now” text message; and I would be there, forgetting and forgiving everything. The essence of true submission, the psychological aspect of complete subordination; the ability to give, give, and give, without asking or expecting anything in return.
 
I finally got out of bed and went into the shower. It was the time to get ready, pack the suitcase, and check out. I was happy to leave Jacksonville, it was not too hospitable to me this time.   
escort, feelings, Heather, Jim, love, sex

Only Love Matters. My Escort Girl and Myself Again

love-2055372_1920.jpg

–          Why don’t you give Jim another chance?Heather’s chopsticks stopped mixing wasabi with soy sauce as she looked up at me.
–          I will betray myself by coming back
–          How? – She carefully picked up a tuna roll with her chopsticks and dipped it into the soy sauce    
–          When you break up with someone, you are hopeful that your time will come, and one day you will meet your match. You would not dump someone you really care about unless there is a reason.
–          Ok… – her skin had that innocent porcelain freshness. Eating dead fish with sodium and having sex with several partners on a daily basis did not seem to stain her baby-doll beauty. Despite the sleepless weekend with Greg, she looked fresh, outrageously glowing, simply gorgeous.   
–           If you decide to reunite, it only means that you have given up on yourself and stopped believing that you deserve love. You are basically telling yourself, ‘I do not deserve any better, anyways, it is better to be with my ex than lonely’. You become a traitor and a liar. You start coming up with millions of fake reasons why you should be with someone you do not love. And at the end, you force yourself to forget the true reasons for your previous disentanglement, and you reunite. I do not want to be a traitor, Heather
–          I agree with you, – she put the chopsticks aside and reached for a small clay tea kettle.
     Every move of her well-defined body was suggestive of chic and grace. She was a beautiful woman, an objectively beautiful woman. Even the call girl title added something special to her image, something mysteriously nonchalant and quietly charismatic. – Are you still in love with Greg?

I smiled and shrugged my shoulders. I was supposed to have resentment for both of them, I should have hated her and him, I should have reported her for prostitution and blocked his phone number. But I was not offended, neither jealous nor angry.     


          Tell me Vixen, are you still in love?
–          You know, I am
–          What has he done to you my dear? He is greedy, selfish, he is really bad in bed.
–          Love is love, I can’t do much about it
–          Aren’t you betraying your self-worth?
–          Not really
–          How come?

I knew she would not get it. My mind could not get it, I stopped trying to understand myself long ago. Going with the flow was the only way to deal with my mind-blowing inconsistency and ridiculousness.

 

BDSM, broken heart, control, dominance, escort, feelings, Heather, Jim, kinky, power, sex, submission

Jim, Dominance and Submission, the Safe Word


I literally hated Jim’s Quid-Pro-Quo attitude. My timid “let’s be friends” crashed into his “I can’t be there for your without intimacy, it is not fair to me” . It was a bargain, the ongoing business project under the “get-more-give-nothing” slogan. One day I got tired of feeling angry, sad, and offended, since it was a mere waste of energy. He neither listened, nor understood. His “I want my lover back” was the only response to my attempts to explain why it will never happen.

I got quiet. He tried to get into my mind – I did not care. I am predictably pedestrian, but he never got that since he never listened.
 
          I want you, let’s start over again
          Leave me alone
          You are always busy for me
          Please leave me alone
 –          What do you want? Arrangement? How much? Talk to me….
 
I threw my head back and burst into laughter.  Something happened. Something flipped the switch in his head, and he turned into a stranger. The stranger grabbed my wrist, dragged me into the bedroom, and threw me on the bed. Our eyes met as he was forcing my legs apart. Glassy look, he was numb and freezingly callous. His unresponsiveness to my repetitive fuck-you-fuck-you-fuck-you was scary. I felt the sharp pain in my fractured knee and tried to release the leg from his body weight. All in vain, he was way too heavy. The pushed to the side panties cut into my skin adding to the absurdity of the situation.  My attempts to slap and bite were mixed with ongoing laughing and crying. I kept whispering I hate you, and I knew he did not care.
 
          You are a witch, –  he finally let me go.
           Get out, – The stranger turned into the Jim I knew; warm confidence, persistent dominance, and the buy-low-sell-high philosophy. I was no longer scared, just tired from the overall insanity.
          Why? We were just playing.
          You are nuts, – I adjusted the skirt and reached out for the hair brush. Shaking hands, trembling lips, still sobbing.  
          You told me you wanted it rough. I was trying to make you happy. You should have said the safe word. I would have stopped…
          Get out.
 
The next day Heather came to see me. She brought apples and Ibuprofen. Jim had pulled my hair too hard.  
 
          I do not want to see him any more
          He is a nice guy, Vixen, – I started crying, she handed me a tissue, – he has common sense, you should stay with him
          No, – I was thinking about Greg, his talented introversion, firm dick, and quiet psychopathy. I missed him. I wanted him back into my life.   
          Forget about Greg, eat.
 
 I loved Heather, she was a good friend. The apples were sweet, Ibuprofen numbed the pain. I smiled, I felt better.