dominance, feelings, James, Jim, sex, submission

Dominance and Submission. Sex. Jim


I am scared of Jim, of his power, his dominance, and his ability to get his way remaining deaf and blind to the needs of others. I can beg him on my knees, he will step over and move on. Actually not, first, he will have me kiss his feet, he is dom. “Get on your knees, quickly; I want you to worship me, Vixen”.  I bend, I surrender myself, I am afraid he will destroy me, and the feeling of fear gets me all aroused.


Persistently and slowly he spreads his tentacles through my life withdrawing me from those who I love and who love me.  He did his best to cut me off James, and he succeeded. I have not seen James for a long time. Now, he hates my best girlfriend, a nice Christian girl who does my taxes. “She is rude, lazy, and ignorant, she is giving you bad advice on taxes, she has no understanding of the tax code, she is not really your friend, she is an idiot”.


          But she is my best friend, you cannot just come into my life and put labels on people I love


          I am your friend, I am probably the most normal person you ever had in your crazy life. You gotta start trusting me, Vixen.


I never did. Being around him feels like playing with fire; dangerous and enticing. No trust, no love, pure lust and obsession with domination and submission.  


He never listens. He does not care about my feelings, He wants me to bow down and kiss his feet, and I do.  He bends me over the couch forcefully spreading my legs, and I give in. He keeps extending his dominance outside the bedroom, I quietly surrender. He stretches out his tentacles to all aspects of my life, and it is scary, and exciting; I feel dizzy and get wet at his heavy look. He is gaining more and more power over me, part of me resists it, part of me hates him, part of me gets turned on.


He fiercely pulls my hair, I whisper our safe word “yellow” and he lets me go. One day he did not. He got aggressive and intense, pulling my hair too hard. My whispering “Yellow” turned into crying “Red! Stop! Leave me now!” He finally came and released his grip.


          I love sex with you Vixen. You are totally submissive, I can’t get enough of you.


          You were supposed to stop when I say our safe word. You will end up hurting me and going to jail, – it went too far, I was sore and scared.


          I will never hurt you.


I was hypnotized by his power and control. It had nothing to do with love. I loved Greg, I craved Jim; he was way too hot and dramatic to be loved. He pushed my buttons, got me crazy, and brought me back to sanity through his dick. I melted, entirely losing my identity, totally subordinating myself to his dominance. It had nothing to do with love. It was a pure addiction.


My neighbor stopped by later that night. She brought zucchini and tomatoes. We chatted, we laughed, I enjoyed fresh veggie bites with olive oil and pepper putting the weird dom/sub episode in the back of my mind. I was too tired to think if I want to see Jim again.   
feelings, James

Female Magnet, Perfect Lover

Our relationship was weird. James was the live copy of incubus, yes, yes, the mythological creature that takes advantage of half-asleep half-awake women.

          You remind me of Fuseli’s demon in “Nightmare”, – I just came back to Florida and was proudly sharing my impressions from the Detroit Institute of Arts. The comparison did not offend him, quite the opposite, he seemed to be flattered.
          Tell me about this…. um… you said, incubus?
          Yep, the lusty little ugly dude, who crawls into women’s bedrooms and has his way with them while they are in sleep paralysis.  
          I like it. Please go on.
          He is old, hairy, ugly-looking, has horns, claws, and oftentimes goat feet. He puts his victim in a trance, so she can’t cry out for help. And of course, he has a big cock.
          Wow, Vixen. I really like it. Is it bigger than Jim’s?
          Shut up, – it was funny, he was funny, it felt surprisingly easy to be myself around him
          Tell me, where is Jim when this incubus comes over?
          Actually, I am speaking about the old myth
          And what about your Greg? Does he put him to sleep as well?
          Please stop it, – hearing his name still caused pain, lots of pain
          Can I be your incubus tonight?
          You will always be my friend.

Strangely enough, I happened to like him, the touch of his short fat fingers was literary hypnotic. I still do not fully understand how I ended up being with him. He certainly did not match any of my criteria. Neither a sugar daddy, nor a young macho; he had no means or desire to put me in a town home with a boat dock and nearby sushi bars. And he was not fit and exotic enough for a girl’s night out; so I could not brag about having the best-looking boyfriend. He had the asset though that made him the real magnet for young and high-quality women. Kind personality and perfect cock – great length, a lot of girth, and the knowledge how to use the tool to make me happy; the qualities I would never exchange for a gated community with tennis courts and waterfront restaurants. I could break into tears and laughter, lick guacamole off my fingers, watch stupid reality shows, or draw elves and dragons. He was never judgmental, and he knew how to fuck. And he was selfless, lovingly selfless and generously giving. No wonder why women fall for him.

          I am lonely, so lonely, honey. I will end up dying by myself or paying sugar babies for a blowjob.
          Bullshit. You have more women than anyone else in this damn hospital
          Am I your incubus?
          First, you may google more about who he is

The thought of being in relations with him scared me. I knew he had feelings for me, I knew, with time, I will destroy him. I will step over and proceed to someone established enough to take care of my bills and to comply with my mom’s ideal son-in-law standards. I did not want to cause him pain and break his heart. He was the most selfless person I ever met. I cared, I truly cared.

          We gotta break up
          Or we can take one day at a time, it is all up to you, – the other reason for me to fall for him. He gave me freedom. He never claimed myself as the property, which was unusually sexy. He called himself kinky, but he was normal. Wonderfully normal. I knew it would not work between us, but I decided to follow his advice and take one day at a time.
feelings, James, solitude

My Solitude

Smoothly running sound of the engine, soft rock in the car stereo, and the darkness of the highway – my best therapy when I drive home.  After years of chaos, I finally found the peace I never had in the past; and I profusely enjoy it with each cell of my body.

I come back, light a candle on the patio table, and watch the flame through the glass of the candle lantern – the very precious moment of my solitude that I attained after decades of fear to be by myself.    

Being on my own sounds magical as bamboo chimes, feels fresh as crispy linen, tastes yummy as dark chocolate. Solitude is the path to an awe-inspiring adventure evocative of horse nickering, saltiness of raw oysters, and anime coloring with fluorescent pencils. 

I was trying to let James know about it, but he was not in agreement. He kept looking for the partner in crime, for the love of his life to realize his kinky bedroom fantasies.
He was the one who helped me heal through respect and care when I was entirely destroyed by Greg. I wanted a game of chess, and I got it. I wanted potted roses, and they were delivered to me promptly. I wanted a weekend in Jamaica, and James got the flight tickets the following day. Unlike Greg, James satisfied all my needs. I was thankful, I appreciated his friendship. He had the touch of an angel, it felt so nice, but I needed my privacy.

          Do you still love him, Vixen?
          I do
          What if you never be together again?
          I will be by myself
          Do you wanna come over and fuck? – James’ persistence in the urge for a quickie was amazing

The night we had that conversation I was into viewing stars with my telescope and did not care much about James’ wants and needs. The solitude is enticing, and none of my dates can actually substitute it regardless of the value of their gifts and the size of their penises.
feelings, James, solitude

Weekend and Solitude

My weekend always belongs to myself. I never share it with anyone outside my small but tight mommy-kiddo alliance. Neither do I worry too much about the upcoming week. My phone is off, my skin is exposed to the freshness of the sea air and the honey smell of my body lotion. No Greg or his wife, no drama, only water, wind, and fat screaming pelicans around.

Next time Greg comes over, I will ask for the off-season yacht club membership to deal with the waves and my sea sickness in solitude.
Solitude is the key word here. I love being alone. The older I get, the more I enjoy being with myself, therefore, I have difficulty understanding James’ hystericalI-am-afraid-of-dying-alone.

          What is wrong about passing away on your own? You can’t take anyone with you anyways if this is not their time, – I squinted, the sun was too bright as I was watching the horizon.
          It is scary, I always wanted to be with the one woman, the one I could introduce to my kids, the one who would accept me with my kinks, – James’ openness was amazing.

I shifted my gaze from the water to his worried face and gave him a smile, it was late morning, time to be by myself after our usual Saturday breakfast. But something stopped me from leaving his boat immediately; James was scarily pale and seemingly desperate.

          I wish I had your fears my friend. I could not have cared less if I die lonely or not.
          It is painful to be pushed away once you disclose your sexual preferences to them, – he sounded bitter.
          Maybe you should not burden others with your kinky stuff on the first date? – I really wanted to help.

I always wondered how James could have something in common with my Greg. They were different, too different, James was subservient and sensitively vulnerable like myself. Greg was psychopathically dominant and straightforwardly rude.  

          You know my kinks, you are fine with them, we should be together, get me out of the friendzone.
          And what shall you do with your other five sugar babies, my lonely friend? – There was no sarcasm in my voice, I was just truly interested why someone who is constantly surrounded by beautiful young women considers himself an abandoned and rejected loner.   
          Be my last woman ever, – he sounded serious, so damn serious that I got scared.
          You are my good friend, I want you as my friend. You invite me over, you prepare breakfast, you give me a nice massage, you know all my heart-breaking stories, let’s keep it this way, please, – a crazy seagull flew so close that I thought her wings would slap me in the face.

It was getting hot, the heat mixed with the new boat smell was making me a bit dizzy, I really wanted to leave and start my lovely lonely Saturday.

          I will stop communicating with my other women and …
          And I do not want you to do that, – I was looking around in search for my sunscreen lotion,  I love you the way you are, you are my friend
          Aren’t you scared of being lonely, of being rejected because of your kinks?
          I love my solitude, I am fine if people know about my sexual preferences, we are all abnormally perverted, what’s a big deal?
          Tell me about your kinks
          Bye James, – he was giving me that puppy-eyed look that raised the motherly desire to give him a hug and put his head on my chest.

 I put my hair up in a ponytail and reached out for my handbag.    

          Wait, you can stay and cuddle with me all day. You do not have to see him, he is with Emy, and I am single
          Bye dear,  There was no point for me to stay any longer, he needed to fish and suffer on his own. And I could not skip the serenity of my precious lonely Saturday.