escort, feelings, Heather, Jim, love, sex

Only Love Matters. My Escort Girl and Myself Again

love-2055372_1920.jpg

–          Why don’t you give Jim another chance?Heather’s chopsticks stopped mixing wasabi with soy sauce as she looked up at me.
–          I will betray myself by coming back
–          How? – She carefully picked up a tuna roll with her chopsticks and dipped it into the soy sauce    
–          When you break up with someone, you are hopeful that your time will come, and one day you will meet your match. You would not dump someone you really care about unless there is a reason.
–          Ok… – her skin had that innocent porcelain freshness. Eating dead fish with sodium and having sex with several partners on a daily basis did not seem to stain her baby-doll beauty. Despite the sleepless weekend with Greg, she looked fresh, outrageously glowing, simply gorgeous.   
–           If you decide to reunite, it only means that you have given up on yourself and stopped believing that you deserve love. You are basically telling yourself, ‘I do not deserve any better, anyways, it is better to be with my ex than lonely’. You become a traitor and a liar. You start coming up with millions of fake reasons why you should be with someone you do not love. And at the end, you force yourself to forget the true reasons for your previous disentanglement, and you reunite. I do not want to be a traitor, Heather
–          I agree with you, – she put the chopsticks aside and reached for a small clay tea kettle.
     Every move of her well-defined body was suggestive of chic and grace. She was a beautiful woman, an objectively beautiful woman. Even the call girl title added something special to her image, something mysteriously nonchalant and quietly charismatic. – Are you still in love with Greg?

I smiled and shrugged my shoulders. I was supposed to have resentment for both of them, I should have hated her and him, I should have reported her for prostitution and blocked his phone number. But I was not offended, neither jealous nor angry.     


          Tell me Vixen, are you still in love?
–          You know, I am
–          What has he done to you my dear? He is greedy, selfish, he is really bad in bed.
–          Love is love, I can’t do much about it
–          Aren’t you betraying your self-worth?
–          Not really
–          How come?

I knew she would not get it. My mind could not get it, I stopped trying to understand myself long ago. Going with the flow was the only way to deal with my mind-blowing inconsistency and ridiculousness.

 

escort, feelings, Heather, love

Heather, Escort Girl


My Heather. Nordic appearance, pale skin, green eyes, and high cheekbones. Elite escort girl, tall, perfectly toned, blonde, and expensive.  She has two great qualities that make her stand out in the love-for-money-world. She keeps her mouth shut and has a sparklingly beached smile. She is extremely popular among busy guys, since she knows the value of being quiet. She always keeps own opinion to herself.
Committed to exercising, she always has the six-pack abs and the well-defined round Brazilian butt. I have a ton of respect for girls like her who can tolerate pain and boredom associated with routine muscles building. I do not see her much recently since her new boyfriend is opening a bunch of new offices in Tokyo, and she is with him out of the country almost all the time.
Last time we met was right before Christmas, she returned to the US for a couple of days to run errands and meet a couple of very wealthy clients.  – I can introduce them to you if we like, Vixen, – she was rational and direct. I was struggling financially, and she sincerely wanted to help
–          No thank you, this is not what I am looking for. 
–          You need someone who will resolve your problems, – Heather persistently tried to hook me up with someone financially capable of moving me into a gated community with golf fields and water fountains.
–          How can someone resolve my problems? If he did not create them, he can’t do much about them.
–          Well, – Heather set her espresso aside and looked at me shrewdly, – you do not seem to take care of yourself very well. You create problems that follow you.
–          The mind creates problems, the only thing that we can do is to tame it, I do not need a man in my bed for it.
–          Yeah, Greg told me you have those ideas that we do not exist, and the mind generates our personalities; sounds like you need to rest more or change your job. You are getting crazy
–          Heather, – I was stumbling over her cold down-to-earth rationality. I knew she cared, I loved her for it, but it was impossible to get through her personality and have her understand. The world of Botox injections, beauty salons, and Jimmy Choo shoes was way too far from what I was trying to say, – I am glad Greg told you about our conversation. At least he did not forget
–          And he also told me how you kicked him out of the hotel room at 2 am.
–          We argued, he got pissed
–          He said you were naked and had your both hands on his cock, you had him go down on you, and then you froze and asked him to leave
–          Yep, I just turned off and wanted to go to sleep
–          Good girl, I am proud of you, – Heather’s hearty laughter brightened my day. – You sure you do not want me to introduce you to Rick? He is a psychiatrist, very established, Greg and his Emy say you will make a good couple.   
–          Fuck Greg, fuck Emy, I will deal with my problems by myself
–          No you won’t,  – she stopped laughing, glanced around, and lowered her voice. I felt the smell of Chanelle perfume, as she leaned over the table – You are desperate, Vixen. You are in the dead-end relationships with the shithead who fucks you when he is bored with his wife. You distanced yourself from Jim, you are getting estranged from me. You do not let us love you. I will help though.
–          Sounds like helping me is making you feel better about yourself, friend, – I was deeply touched. I wanted to give her a hug and fall into tears.
–          I will make sure Rick will get in touch with you soon, – she was in a hurry, her taxi was waiting to take her to the airport; she was returning to Tokyo. I was staying here with my present and past demons. She sincerely thought she would resolve my issues. I knew she was wrong, but I was happy that she cared.     
 
BDSM, broken heart, control, dominance, escort, feelings, Heather, Jim, kinky, power, sex, submission

Jim, Dominance and Submission, the Safe Word


I literally hated Jim’s Quid-Pro-Quo attitude. My timid “let’s be friends” crashed into his “I can’t be there for your without intimacy, it is not fair to me” . It was a bargain, the ongoing business project under the “get-more-give-nothing” slogan. One day I got tired of feeling angry, sad, and offended, since it was a mere waste of energy. He neither listened, nor understood. His “I want my lover back” was the only response to my attempts to explain why it will never happen.

I got quiet. He tried to get into my mind – I did not care. I am predictably pedestrian, but he never got that since he never listened.
 
          I want you, let’s start over again
          Leave me alone
          You are always busy for me
          Please leave me alone
 –          What do you want? Arrangement? How much? Talk to me….
 
I threw my head back and burst into laughter.  Something happened. Something flipped the switch in his head, and he turned into a stranger. The stranger grabbed my wrist, dragged me into the bedroom, and threw me on the bed. Our eyes met as he was forcing my legs apart. Glassy look, he was numb and freezingly callous. His unresponsiveness to my repetitive fuck-you-fuck-you-fuck-you was scary. I felt the sharp pain in my fractured knee and tried to release the leg from his body weight. All in vain, he was way too heavy. The pushed to the side panties cut into my skin adding to the absurdity of the situation.  My attempts to slap and bite were mixed with ongoing laughing and crying. I kept whispering I hate you, and I knew he did not care.
 
          You are a witch, –  he finally let me go.
           Get out, – The stranger turned into the Jim I knew; warm confidence, persistent dominance, and the buy-low-sell-high philosophy. I was no longer scared, just tired from the overall insanity.
          Why? We were just playing.
          You are nuts, – I adjusted the skirt and reached out for the hair brush. Shaking hands, trembling lips, still sobbing.  
          You told me you wanted it rough. I was trying to make you happy. You should have said the safe word. I would have stopped…
          Get out.
 
The next day Heather came to see me. She brought apples and Ibuprofen. Jim had pulled my hair too hard.  
 
          I do not want to see him any more
          He is a nice guy, Vixen, – I started crying, she handed me a tissue, – he has common sense, you should stay with him
          No, – I was thinking about Greg, his talented introversion, firm dick, and quiet psychopathy. I missed him. I wanted him back into my life.   
          Forget about Greg, eat.
 
 I loved Heather, she was a good friend. The apples were sweet, Ibuprofen numbed the pain. I smiled, I felt better.