anxiety, control, crazy, dating, relations, feelings, dominance, fears, feelings, panic, power, psycho, Psychopath, sugar

Perfect Guy

fear

He instigated fear. The contrast between his calm and pleasant demeanor and my feelings of terror every time I saw him was unfathomable. Well-educated, intelligent, nicely smelling, fit, and smiling, he did not look like a fairy tale monster. Nevertheless, his presence brought shivers up and down my spine. My friends thought I was cuckoo, their “girl, you have a screw loose, go and eat something or talk to a therapist” made me guilty. His excessive concern about my wellbeing brought about shame and remorse; he loved, he cared, and I kept rejecting him quietly panicking when he was around.

I could not loudly demonstrate my concerns. He never raised his voice, but I was fearful to answer back and disagree. Once I got brave; I took a deep breath, and looking straight into his eyes, I gasped out “I am afraid of you”. He quietly stood up and went into the kitchen. I heard him using the water and ice dispenser in his refrigerator, he came back three minutes later with a glass of ice-cold orange juice and a sparklingly bleached smile.

You think too much, silly, – he smiled watching me gulp the juice, I felt stupid.

His friends were polite and intelligent as well. They wore comfy cashmere sweaters and designer pants and discussed marketing dynamics and sales strategies. They lived in safe neighborhoods, played golf and went boating on weekends. Their women were skinny, classy, and quiet. No one ever was rude or disrespectful, they smiled, always said hello and goodbye. I always smiled back responding to their greetings and farewells with the same pleasant demeanor, but deep in my heart I knew talking beyond “the dinner is tasty, I have enjoyed your company” was not acceptable.

One day I lost my job and gave him a call; my unemployment did not kick in timely, and I needed help to pay the bills. He did not answer, I left him a voicemail prior going to bed. A loud banging sound woke me up at around midnight. I opened the front door and got hit by December coldness. He was standing on the porch, I could not see his face, but I felt the anger through the freezing darkness.

Are you ok? – I forced a smile and waved him in.

He did not move, he had a bottle in his hand, I got surprised, drinking was not about him, he was into healthy lifestyle and daily exercising.

Are you ok? – I repeated shivering as the coldness was crawling under my PJs.

You disappointed me, – the voice was muffled, I stepped back shuddering at the smell of alcohol. – I wasted all my time with you. You got everything gifts, shoes, cruises, but you want more. Now you decided to quit your job and sponge me off. You are like everyone else.

He kept talking slurring words and getting angrier. I kept standing at the doorstep frozen with fear and ice-cold weather.  Suddenly he punched the wall right next to me, I screamed and rushed inside. The front door slammed behind my back. I heard the screech of his car as he took off.

I brew green tea and took a warm bath prior going to sleep. When he called me the next morning, he was sweetly polite as usual.

You scared me last night, – I was expecting clarification and apology.

I felt used, and I overreacted

– But, I was scared, – I still believed he would dismiss my fears with humor and a fine dining invitation.

You will deal with this my love, when shall we meet again?

 – I need to be by myself.

He kept stopping by with flowers and fruit. Every time I tried to discuss that night I was given Swiss chocolate and new clothes.

Don’t you see, I am afraid of you. – He laughed, gently stroking my hair while switching the TV channels.

My friends kept calling me cuckoo. They were jealous. He was always attentive, courteous, and intelligent, he was smart, well-educated, and as perfect as a smiley guy from my favorite family yogurt commercial. I felt guilty and stupid, I panicked for nothing.

 

BDSM, dating, relations, feelings, dominance, feelings, happiness, intimacy, kinky, life, submission

Pride, BDSM, Sub

dancer-1284214_1920

You can’t destroy me unless you take my pride, take it away, and I will have nothing.

This got me pensive. What is pride? – I had no answer. I closed my eyes trying to imagine what it feels like to have pride and thought about Jim – endless planes, yachts, and houses; narcissism and power, inescapable excellence and unavoidable success.

I gave him a call, I was curious. – Do you have pride?

Don’t you want to say ‘hi’? – his voice was bitter and pathetic

I want to know your thoughts on pride

 – Why does it even matter now? We are not even together.

 – Did I hurt your pride?

 – What do you think?

Speaking to him was hard, I hung up, I still had feelings. His pride was the size of his 14 square foot home, I could not deal with it, I left.

Early morning in bed, focusing on my body in search of what google defined as pride -“a feeling of being good and worthy”. I could not find or feel anything.

Take away my pride, and I will have nothing”, – I had nothing. No regrets no sorrow.

I was a sub in relations. I was giving in myself completely, melting, dissolving, relinquishing all my powers and control. I felt empty, non-existent, unable to identify myself with anyone or anything, surrendering my body, my ego, my pride, my self-worth, my values, my beliefs.

I was a sub, going with a flow, being quiet when asked, speaking when allowed, serving in bed and in the kitchen, being available to the needs of my master 24/7.

I was a sub. The pride was crushed, I was capable of sensing and perceiving the world freely without hysterical attempts to hold on to my self-identity. I could be whatever my master wanted me to be, I could switch the personalities like undies. I could flip from a slave to a master, attaining the lost control, going as far as my master wanted me to go.

Does not it bother you that he takes control over your life? It is manipulation and abuse, – my girlfriends could not grasp what it feels like to live outside the fixed self-identity, they were shocked, I was free, I had no pride, I did not care.

Jim was in his office when I came in later that day.

Please buy me an apartment in Orlando.

He slowly moved his gaze from the laptop, dark eyes and relentless calmness. – Why Orlando?

The energy of the big city, I want to feel it through my skin.

I want to feel you.

 – We broke up, it is over

 – And you really think I am stupid enough to keep investing in you?

 – I believe in miracles. It never hurts to ask.

 – Come back, and we will see.

No.

 – Than go home and let me work.

His secretary knocked, I let her in. She was carrying a huge fruit basket, I helped her put it on the desk and took an apple. I was ready to leave.

You asked me about my pride, Vixen, – Jim’s voice stopped me at the door. I turned around, I was curious. – I have none.

 – Me too, Jim, I am a sub.

 – I know. We match, we could do good together.

 – Buy me an apartment.

 – Take the fruit basket home.  

The fruits were yummy, I ate them later on the beach smelling the ocean and listening to the seagulls. I had no pride, no identity, nothing. I did not exist, I felt happy.

affection, bi-polar, broken heart, control, crazy, dating, relations, feelings, disgust, dominance, fears, feelings, happiness, intimacy, life, love, obsession, power, psycho, Psychopath, reality, relations, sex, submission, sugar

Evil Behind the Mask

evil

What does the evil look like? Is it someone leather-faced, smelling like decayed teeth and low-income household?

Dave was handsome, highly educated, and wealthy; warm, smiley and polite.

Intimacy with him felt like heaven, he was gentle, affectionate, and caring. “I hug you, and you smile, one day I will see you smiling all the time. It will make me happy.”  He had a great body, nicely smelling bed-linen, huge master bedroom, and high-quality home sound system.

 – What kind of music does my Vixen want?

 – Can we do Mozart?

 – You need something relaxing, what about meditation music?

 – Ok, – I shrugged my shoulders and went into the bathroom, being intimate with him felt relaxing. Sex was not merely joyful or fun, it was spectacular, phenomenal, magical, fantastic.

 – I need to take you shopping, my Vixen needs new dresses.

 – Maybe next time? I gotta pick up my kid from his daycare.

 – No, we will go now, I will choose, since I am paying. Your facial expression…. It has changed, that’s funny…

He had a great taste, the outfit he bought looked awesome. I was thankful and quiet. He did not want me to speak unless he expected answers to his questions.

Talking makes you anxious, dear, you get into your shitty moods that make you unhappy. I want you happy, this is my goal, princess, to make you happy.

 – Yeah, but I just wanted

 – Shh … silly, – he covered my mouth with his hand, – When I speak, you listen, ok?

Physical closeness was awesome, simply awesome, he was very expressive and emotional; I was touched, I kept breaking into tears, he liked it. – There is nothing wrong about showing your feelings, Vixen. You are certainly allowed to do it around me. You gotta read good books, spiritual literature. It will help you grow and become a better person. You can’t be a sugar baby all your life.

I found Seroquel and an empty Tequila bottle on one of his book shelves behind Luke Rhinehart and Teachings of the Buddha. – I have zero tolerance for alcohol. I can’t be around someone who drinks, Dave.

 – One of my friends left the bottle here, he stopped by yesterday, we meditated.

 – Are you taking anti-psychotic meds with alcohol?

 – I took half a pill, the first time in ten years, I stopped drinking long time ago. You gotta relax and stop your crazy thinking, I feel bad when I see you suffering, luv.

 – Why did you take it?

 – My ex stopped by, she is horrible, the most negative person in the world, she tried to commit suicide several times when we were together. I was anxious all night after that, the pill helped me sleep.

 – I thought it is your ex-girlfriend who tried to kill herself.

 – My ex-wife was also crazy, she is a very miserable person, she needs help. I had back luck with women in the past. You are the angel Vixen, I am blessed to have you in my life.

Sex was mind-blowing, I left his house feeling the happiest person in the world that night. He constantly wanted me around. He paid for my son’s sitter and for the hours I missed work to be with him. – You are working too much, it makes no sense, even my cleaners do better financially, honey. You need to change your career. I do not want my princess to stress twenty-four hours a day. It makes me sad to watch you suffer.   

 – I will end up losing my job if I continue taking time off. I can’t afford it, I need to feed my son.

 – I will take care of you both. Trust me, you will never be homeless and hungry.

 – I can take vacation later, maybe a couple of months from now?

 – Now, – suddenly his smile froze, – I will take care of everything:  flights, hotels, food, shopping… I want you to start packing now. Your son can go with us, I love kids.

 – I can’t.

 – Yes, you can, – he grabbed me by the shoulders and started shaking. My head hit the cupboard door. I screamed, he quickly released the grip and gave me a hug. – Are you ok my dear?

I saw blood on the light-wood cupboard door and concern in his dark eyes as he was gently checking my head.– Just a tiny scratch, nothing serious, love.

 – I may need to see a doctor. I hit my temple.    

 – They will rip you off and do nothing. I owned several medical practices, people there are morons. You should not trust them. I will take care of you.

 – I need to go.

 – You need to stop talking now. – The sudden change in his voice was frightening.

That afternoon was the first time I did not leave his house mesmerized by his charm and the way he used his penis. The evil was there caring and smiling, carefully drying my skin with a soft towel after a bath and holding hands while sleeping. The evil was there, slowly but surely cuffing me to the 2-million dollar home with substance abuse and mental health issues. The evil was there gently destroying the identity through manipulation and control slowly leading others to suicidal ideation. The evil had the face of an upper class guy with refined manners, hard cock, and fat banking accounts.

It took time to finally see the dirty truth inside the fancy packaging box.

BDSM, control, dominance, relations, sex, submission, sugar

Dominance, Jim, Attachment

BDSM

I clicked with Jim that night. He wanted to see me. As usually I was angry and ready to break up, as usually, I melted as soon as our eyes melt. He handed me yellow roses, I quietly put them into a vase and dropped aspirin into the water. His flowers were always beautiful and always lasted long.

Do you want to be with me Vixen?

I did not respond. He moved closer, I shuddered at his kiss, it was too redolent of power. Selfish, horny, and aggressive. He wanted sex and did not care much about my feelings.

The code word is RED my dear. You gotta stop if I say it, otherwise you will end up killing me and going to jail. You bruised me bad last time, – I knew my words were useless; he only listened to himself.

 – I will stop immediately, – his shift to sadism was almost instant. He grabbed my hair really hard forcing me to give him head. I entirely surrendered control following his commands to do what he wanted. His orders got wilder and sluttier, turning sex into a mere power game, my submission was total and unconditional.

I kept serving, obeying, and pleasing; he was rough, I was losing myself. He was fucking me hard with his hand on my throat when the click happened.

 – Your body belongs to me, don’t you dare to take it away from me, – there was something primeval about his whisper. I just looked into his eyes and felt him, his fury, aggression, and obsessiveness. I surrendered, I opened up, I connected, I gave myself to him entirely, without leaving anything to myself. Greg was no longer in the picture, he disappeared from my reality.

 – By the way, what is going on between you and Greg?  – sex was finished, Jim was curious. I was quiet, – He is not a bad surgeon, Vixen, but he is a shitty person. You should stay away from him.

 – How do you know? – I did not care much from that standpoint, Jim finally got me, I was attached.

 – I know his colleagues do not like him, he does not get along with others.

 – They just promoted him to the Vice President position, please go home, – I wanted Jim to leave and never come back. I hated myself for falling for him, but it was too late, there was nothing that I could do.

 – When shall I see you again?

 – Never, I will get married and will live in a nice big house with a boat and a big black vehicle.

 – Don’t be an idiot, I have houses and boats. And I can buy and sell your Greg as many times as I want. When shall I see you again?

 – F*ck you, – it was no longer no-strings-attached, I had feelings for him, and it was horrible. I felt weak, scared, and ashamed.

I blocked his phone after he left and went to bed. It was a heavy day, and I wanted it to be over ASAP.

dominance, feelings, James, Jim, sex, submission

Dominance and Submission. Sex. Jim

 

I am scared of Jim, of his power, his dominance, and his ability to get his way remaining deaf and blind to the needs of others. I can beg him on my knees, he will step over and move on. Actually not, first, he will have me kiss his feet, he is dom. “Get on your knees, quickly; I want you to worship me, Vixen”.  I bend, I surrender myself, I am afraid he will destroy me, and the feeling of fear gets me all aroused.

 

Persistently and slowly he spreads his tentacles through my life withdrawing me from those who I love and who love me.  He did his best to cut me off James, and he succeeded. I have not seen James for a long time. Now, he hates my best girlfriend, a nice Christian girl who does my taxes. “She is rude, lazy, and ignorant, she is giving you bad advice on taxes, she has no understanding of the tax code, she is not really your friend, she is an idiot”.

 

          But she is my best friend, you cannot just come into my life and put labels on people I love

 

          I am your friend, I am probably the most normal person you ever had in your crazy life. You gotta start trusting me, Vixen.

 

I never did. Being around him feels like playing with fire; dangerous and enticing. No trust, no love, pure lust and obsession with domination and submission.  

 

He never listens. He does not care about my feelings, He wants me to bow down and kiss his feet, and I do.  He bends me over the couch forcefully spreading my legs, and I give in. He keeps extending his dominance outside the bedroom, I quietly surrender. He stretches out his tentacles to all aspects of my life, and it is scary, and exciting; I feel dizzy and get wet at his heavy look. He is gaining more and more power over me, part of me resists it, part of me hates him, part of me gets turned on.

 

He fiercely pulls my hair, I whisper our safe word “yellow” and he lets me go. One day he did not. He got aggressive and intense, pulling my hair too hard. My whispering “Yellow” turned into crying “Red! Stop! Leave me now!” He finally came and released his grip.

 

          I love sex with you Vixen. You are totally submissive, I can’t get enough of you.

 

          You were supposed to stop when I say our safe word. You will end up hurting me and going to jail, – it went too far, I was sore and scared.

 

          I will never hurt you.

 

I was hypnotized by his power and control. It had nothing to do with love. I loved Greg, I craved Jim; he was way too hot and dramatic to be loved. He pushed my buttons, got me crazy, and brought me back to sanity through his dick. I melted, entirely losing my identity, totally subordinating myself to his dominance. It had nothing to do with love. It was a pure addiction.

 

My neighbor stopped by later that night. She brought zucchini and tomatoes. We chatted, we laughed, I enjoyed fresh veggie bites with olive oil and pepper putting the weird dom/sub episode in the back of my mind. I was too tired to think if I want to see Jim again.