BDSM, dating, relations, feelings, dominance, feelings, happiness, intimacy, kinky, life, submission

Pride, BDSM, Sub

dancer-1284214_1920

You can’t destroy me unless you take my pride, take it away, and I will have nothing.

This got me pensive. What is pride? – I had no answer. I closed my eyes trying to imagine what it feels like to have pride and thought about Jim – endless planes, yachts, and houses; narcissism and power, inescapable excellence and unavoidable success.

I gave him a call, I was curious. – Do you have pride?

Don’t you want to say ‘hi’? – his voice was bitter and pathetic

I want to know your thoughts on pride

 – Why does it even matter now? We are not even together.

 – Did I hurt your pride?

 – What do you think?

Speaking to him was hard, I hung up, I still had feelings. His pride was the size of his 14 square foot home, I could not deal with it, I left.

Early morning in bed, focusing on my body in search of what google defined as pride -“a feeling of being good and worthy”. I could not find or feel anything.

Take away my pride, and I will have nothing”, – I had nothing. No regrets no sorrow.

I was a sub in relations. I was giving in myself completely, melting, dissolving, relinquishing all my powers and control. I felt empty, non-existent, unable to identify myself with anyone or anything, surrendering my body, my ego, my pride, my self-worth, my values, my beliefs.

I was a sub, going with a flow, being quiet when asked, speaking when allowed, serving in bed and in the kitchen, being available to the needs of my master 24/7.

I was a sub. The pride was crushed, I was capable of sensing and perceiving the world freely without hysterical attempts to hold on to my self-identity. I could be whatever my master wanted me to be, I could switch the personalities like undies. I could flip from a slave to a master, attaining the lost control, going as far as my master wanted me to go.

Does not it bother you that he takes control over your life? It is manipulation and abuse, – my girlfriends could not grasp what it feels like to live outside the fixed self-identity, they were shocked, I was free, I had no pride, I did not care.

Jim was in his office when I came in later that day.

Please buy me an apartment in Orlando.

He slowly moved his gaze from the laptop, dark eyes and relentless calmness. – Why Orlando?

The energy of the big city, I want to feel it through my skin.

I want to feel you.

 – We broke up, it is over

 – And you really think I am stupid enough to keep investing in you?

 – I believe in miracles. It never hurts to ask.

 – Come back, and we will see.

No.

 – Than go home and let me work.

His secretary knocked, I let her in. She was carrying a huge fruit basket, I helped her put it on the desk and took an apple. I was ready to leave.

You asked me about my pride, Vixen, – Jim’s voice stopped me at the door. I turned around, I was curious. – I have none.

 – Me too, Jim, I am a sub.

 – I know. We match, we could do good together.

 – Buy me an apartment.

 – Take the fruit basket home.  

The fruits were yummy, I ate them later on the beach smelling the ocean and listening to the seagulls. I had no pride, no identity, nothing. I did not exist, I felt happy.

BDSM, control, feelings, kinky, life, love, power, reality, relations, submission, sugar

Labeling, Stereotyping, Stigma

hands-1246170_1920 

– Vixen, I am so glad you dumped Jim, – Dave looked comfy and concerned, white and soft sweatshirt, bleached smile, and smell of quality perfume. – Wealthy guys are screwed up, your Jim has serious mental health issues.

I was in the middle of cutting my veggies for a green smoothie. His words caught me off guard, I froze with a kitchen knife in my hand staring stupidly at a cucumber on the cutting board.  I was offended. I hated and loved Jim at the same time; he used to be part of my life. Dave was nothing, just a nicely smelling dandy in Gucci outfit who tried to stick his nose where it does not belong.

What about yourself?  – I breathed out and proceeded chopping the cucumber.

 – What about me, honey?

 – You are wealthy.

 – I am not one of the freaks you used to be with, I value my soul over money. I would rather be in a forest than the Ritz Carlton. I have always been like this.

 – Who told you Jim uses Ritz?

 – Are you defending him?

 – I am not discussing him with you.

 – Why? I thought you trust me.

 – Dave, please…. Mind your own business

He had a fancy blender, perfect for smoothies and veggie soups. I took the lid off ready to put the cucumber in and felt Dave with my back.

 – You are in my house, and you are teaching me how to behave, – his voice got suddenly low and ice-cold. I shrugged my shoulders not bothering to turn around.

 – You gotta understand Vixen, I will do anything to please you, but you should be respectful and open.

 – Ok, – I reached for a tomato, he was still standing behind. “His blender is big and multi-functional, I want it, maybe I should ask him to give it to me… ”. The thought was kinda weird given that Dave seemed to be quite disappointed. Asking him was for anything at this point would be a waste of time.

 – I am talking to you, Vixen. Stop cutting your rabbit food and look at me.

I slowly turned, my irritation was growing. He gave my food a weird name. Jim loved my vegan dishes and always supported the idea to write a recipe book.  Dave made fun of all my efforts to make money. He considered me way too immature for it.

What do you want from me, Dave?  – he was too close, his perfume was too strong, chokingly strong. I felt sick to my stomach.

 – Your Jim wanted you to kiss his feet. It is sick.

 – It is hot. I am a sub, I loved it.

 – It is sick. You are sick too, Vixen. You need therapy, I will take care of it.

 – It is kinky, our kinks matched, the only thing that kept us together for a while. It is over now. Let’s change the subject.

 – You need help.

 – May I finish fixing my rabbit food?

 – Of course, – he stepped away, I added the rest of veggies into the cup and turned the blender on.

My hysterical reaction seemed to make him realize that not all my boundaries can be violated. He was too judgmental and too stuck in his perceptions of the reality. He divided this world into black and white and frowned at any other colors. He called me later, apologetic and regretful that I left too early. But I needed to leave, I needed my personal space to deal with his judgmental attitudes and condescending demeanor.

I came home with his blender that day.

BDSM, fears, feelings, intimacy, life, love, sex, sugar, trust

Intimacy and Trust

girl-1219339_1920

– You make it very hard for me to love you Vixen, – there was something pathetic about the way Jim expressed himself.

– Don’t love me than

– You are hurting me

 – Break up and find someone else, – I was not the mood to start the drama that night. I was too tired.

 – When we make love I feel you, I touch your soul, and I love it. Don’t you understand?

 I never trusted him, which was the core reason for my ongoing break ups and inconsistency. My feelings were strong, but my trust was weak. He blamed me for being unable to orgasm since I could not entirely open up and enjoy. I could not cum, I did not trust.

There is no hope for us if you cannot trust me, Vixen –

 – Ok

He knew how to be expressively sweet when needed, with time I learned not to buy his dramatic demeanor, charisma, and loud sexuality.

Trust opens doors into the world of multiple orgasms, connection, love, and sincerity. I was unable to trust the one who kept forgetting the safe word during sex leaving bruises on my skin and accusing me of overreacting. I could not be totally submissive allowing him to control my body, my mind, and my soul and at the same time remain distant, scared, with the mind somewhere else.

Diving into submission letting someone to entirely dominate you requires trust. We were together for a while, but trust never emerged. I was scared of his influence and power, the fear kept me sexually aroused, but blocked me from getting anywhere in our relations. He was unable to feel my body and my mind, he only listened to himself and only saw what suited his needs. He saw me being entirely loyal, totally submissive, and worshiping him on my knees with the puppy eyes begging for intimacy. He took everything he could squeezing me like a lemon, and never gave me anything back. He simply did not hear my needs since the voice of his ego was too loud. I could not trust, I was unable to share, I shut down, I suffocated, I wanted out.

Trusting this world opens our eyes to the new opportunities, expands the reality, attracts new people and events into our life. Trust helps us communicate our wants and needs, inquire about something we do not know, and stop concluding the worst-case scenario. We no longer lock ourselves in the cage of our childhood fears and irrational phobias, the trust helps see that our demons are imaginary and are not even worthy of fighting with.

Trust in relationship allows to give in, to let the partner be as close as he wants, and to entirely vanish feeling his presence, his orgasm, his joy. I gotta feel safe to trust, with Jim it was not possible.

I am able to interact with this world allowing people and things into my life, but giving myself to Jim equals jumping under the moving train. I love my life too much to end it earlier than needed.

BDSM, feelings, love, relations, sex, submission, sugar

Falling in Love, Being a Sub

sex

Greg’s hospital updated his photo on the billboard. I see his face on my drive to work and smile recognizing the checked shirt I gave him for Christmas. I love him, and fighting it does not make things better.

He came out from the shower that night, naked, erect, in a hurry. His flight to California was rescheduled, and he had a couple of hours prior heading to the airport. Focused and time-conscious, he never cared about fore-play. Instant shower and instant sex – always precise, always to the point. He was quick and rough taking me from behind. My forehead was pressing against the mirror as he penetrated me. He was forceful and impatient shoving his cock inside, I was quiet and passive. I knew he needed me otherwise I would not be squeezed into his busy schedule between surgical conferences and waffles with maple syrup. I heard his usual I-love-you-babe as he was about to cum and smiled to my reflection in the mirror. He pulled out after ejaculating as usually, not caring much that I was not on a pill.  I went into the kitchen to fix him a sandwich. He started getting dressed, his driver was waiting outside. The intimacy was quick and quiet.

He left, and I went into the bedroom with a fiber cloth and vinegar to clean the mirror from the forehead and palm traces.

Our relations were silent, physical, and weird. His mind was blank, his way of processing reality was very concrete and straightforward. – I need proof Vixen, what is it evidenced by?  – his approach to sex and life was similar to his working on research studies. Black and white, precise and fact-based. No shades, no excuses, no remorse, nothing.

 – You are a scholar yourself, you should understand, Vixen

I kept shaking my head. Working on my dissertation was just a way to buy a boat since Greg was too greedy to pay my yacht club membership. I did my best not to see this world through the prism of peer-reviewed articles. He did, combining dead book-knowledge with removing cancer from human bodies. Always stressed and always quiet.

I fell for him, for his ability to focus, to use me with his cock, and to discard me when I was not needed.

Would you love him if he were attentive and respectful? – Heather was curious.

 – I do not think so.

 – It is scary my dear, you seem to be into guys who cause you pain.

Heather was right, I was a sub, and there was not much that I could do about it.   

BDSM, control, dominance, relations, sex, submission, sugar

Dominance, Jim, Attachment

BDSM

I clicked with Jim that night. He wanted to see me. As usually I was angry and ready to break up, as usually, I melted as soon as our eyes melt. He handed me yellow roses, I quietly put them into a vase and dropped aspirin into the water. His flowers were always beautiful and always lasted long.

Do you want to be with me Vixen?

I did not respond. He moved closer, I shuddered at his kiss, it was too redolent of power. Selfish, horny, and aggressive. He wanted sex and did not care much about my feelings.

The code word is RED my dear. You gotta stop if I say it, otherwise you will end up killing me and going to jail. You bruised me bad last time, – I knew my words were useless; he only listened to himself.

 – I will stop immediately, – his shift to sadism was almost instant. He grabbed my hair really hard forcing me to give him head. I entirely surrendered control following his commands to do what he wanted. His orders got wilder and sluttier, turning sex into a mere power game, my submission was total and unconditional.

I kept serving, obeying, and pleasing; he was rough, I was losing myself. He was fucking me hard with his hand on my throat when the click happened.

 – Your body belongs to me, don’t you dare to take it away from me, – there was something primeval about his whisper. I just looked into his eyes and felt him, his fury, aggression, and obsessiveness. I surrendered, I opened up, I connected, I gave myself to him entirely, without leaving anything to myself. Greg was no longer in the picture, he disappeared from my reality.

 – By the way, what is going on between you and Greg?  – sex was finished, Jim was curious. I was quiet, – He is not a bad surgeon, Vixen, but he is a shitty person. You should stay away from him.

 – How do you know? – I did not care much from that standpoint, Jim finally got me, I was attached.

 – I know his colleagues do not like him, he does not get along with others.

 – They just promoted him to the Vice President position, please go home, – I wanted Jim to leave and never come back. I hated myself for falling for him, but it was too late, there was nothing that I could do.

 – When shall I see you again?

 – Never, I will get married and will live in a nice big house with a boat and a big black vehicle.

 – Don’t be an idiot, I have houses and boats. And I can buy and sell your Greg as many times as I want. When shall I see you again?

 – F*ck you, – it was no longer no-strings-attached, I had feelings for him, and it was horrible. I felt weak, scared, and ashamed.

I blocked his phone after he left and went to bed. It was a heavy day, and I wanted it to be over ASAP.