– Do you love me Vixen?
I hated when Jimasked this question. He lived in the black and white world where everything was either Yes or No; he did not see any other colors. He expected the concrete answer from the concrete woman. But there was no answer, and I was neither concrete nor real.
Honey, please, put your phone down and answer my question. – I was checking flights to Cyprus, fantasizing about Mediterranean olives, pink flamingos, and mountain tours. – Are you texting another guy?
I shuddered at his dark and heavy look and turned the gaze from my iPhone. – Look at me Vixen. – Our eyes met, he was unsmiling, controlling and possessive as usual.
I am planning a vacation in Cyprus
– Who is paying for it?
– None of your business
– I pay your bills, I need to know.
I quietly put the iPhone aside; there was something evil and hypnotic about him, something that kept me around after copious hysterical attempts to break up.
Do you do witchcraft on me, Jim?
– If I did, you would be on your knees sucking my cock. It’s love. Don’t you understand?
– No, it’s not. You do not treat people you love like possessions…
– You are not my possession. You are my girlfriend.
– Can you share me?
– No, – he was quick, categoric, and angry. – Never.
– Because there is no love. When you love someone, you want to make him or her feel good. You do not want to see me having sex with another man even if it gives me pleasure. Why?
– You belong to me, if you cheat on me, it will be over.
– Whatever, – I really hated this conversation
– Don’t you have any feelings for me at all?
– I do.
– Why do you want to f*ck another guy, who is he by the way?
– You want to watch me with another woman, why can’t you watch me having sex with another man?
– Do you mean the crazy guy who should be arrested for masturbating in a public place?
– He was doing in an on-call room
– While having you on the phone, he is nuts… Actually on-call room is a public place.
– Ok, – I really needed a vacation.
– Do you love me, Vixen?
– I gotta go.
– What about that guy?
– I gotta go
I was alive, I had feelings, I could be giving and receiving, but Jim’s constant attempts to crawl under my skin and into my mind kept me off. I felt almost suffocating under his control. The dominance in bed was fun, but being a sub in the real life made me sick.
– Are you with Adam?
– We are just friends
– I want you to stop it.
– He is sick
– We all are
Adam’s sickness was funny, touching, and naive, Jim’s sickness was dark and scary. Adam’s “hey baby” made me smile. We were friends. Jim never got that. He wanted my entire belongingness and subordination, it was exciting, but it killed love.
– We are not compatible, please let me go, – I was tired, he was consistent.
– I am the only normal person in your life. You are too vulnerable, I can’t leave you now. Do you love me Vixen?
Back on my iPhone checking flight and hotel deals, thinking about old Larnaca streets and Cypriot coffee. I felt I was already there. Cold April water and laid-back hotel service. This time I will take my son, he will love it.
– Do you love me Vixen?
He was trying to shuck me like an oyster. It was the time for me to go.