– Is anything bothering you? – a psychiatrist was looking through her medical records with no attempt to make eye-contact.
She sighed deeply and glanced up at the ceiling. She was a human being, and it bothered her profusely, giving her more pain than a wooden splinter stuck under the nail and impossible to remove.
Humans disgusted her; deceitful, greedy, and cruel, they had no sense of purpose or direction. They ate and drank excessively, spoke loudly, and procreated absurdly, exhausting natural resources and not caring much about anyone and anything else on this planet.
Humans’ expanded sense of self-worth was destructive to everything; during the first part of their life, they cultivated their self-importance, then they did everything unreasonable to protect the formed ego from the pain of clashing it with the reality. Humans could annihilate themselves and others just to defend crazy principles that their minds had previously created.
Humans loved socializing, picking up rumors from each other and spreading panic and chaos to their communities; they called their loss of common sense – undisputed truths and brainwashed themselves through daily news and social media.
Humans created pandemonium, blaming each other for the mess that had been blown out of proportion.
The day she realized she was a human being was a true shocker. She kept nervously pacing the floor refusing to believe that she was like billions of others on this planet. She belonged to the race of psychos that mercilessly destroyed themselves and others thinking that they had the right to be in charge of other species on the Earth.
She was one of those who thought that they were superior, and that they knew how to control the environment and themselves.
She wished she were someone else: a stone, a tree, a cat … but not a totally f*cked up in the head; she wished she could lose her human form and disappear; alas, she was still a human being.
– So, is anything bothering you? – a psychiatrist repeated the question still not looking up from his notes.
– No, nothing, – she lied, lying was a part of being human, a very beneficial part at times.
She walked out of the doctor’s office with the requested release to return to work. The fact that she was a human being still bothered her; but she knew that nothing could be done about it, and she should accept the human insanity as a part of her existence on this planet.
I used to love his personality; he used to be a very warm and affectionate guy.
But things changed with time. Everything human was entirely wiped off his face. The sincerity of his smile waned, the life in his eyes died, even his hair that used to be soft and pleasant to touch became stiff and brittle. His warmth gave way to numbness, sardonic grin, glassy look, and a ramrod back.
His mind was purely mathematical; he lived in the three-dimensional world, where everything was thoroughly measured, evidenced-based, and highly logical. Over the years, he kept constraining himself to viewing everything through the prism of numbers, calculations, and statistical significance. In the end, he found himself entirely buried in the conviction that the reality can be observed, touched, assessed, and explained.
He knew that everything has the beginning and the end, and nothing lasts forever. He lived in the world of material women and reasonably prudent men, of social stratification and power inequality, and of blue and white collars.
His mind got caught in the web of black and white, yes or no, true versus false, and conservative/liberal paradigm. He was totally enslaved by his brain and incapable of seeing beyond the acquired life knowledge and experience.
Locked in the matrix of sound judgement, rationality, and compulsory protein consumption, he became extremely rigid and painfully case-hardened. He denied feelings, savagely suppressing love, and proudly discussing the victory of facts over intuition.
The personality was completely gone, but I still loved his penis. It was big and hard, the only thing about him that seemed to function well while his mind was mercilessly imprisoned in mathematical reasoning, composed hypotheses, and evidence-based findings.
Being admitted to the psychiatric unit was a disaster. Pulled apart by endless assessments and thousand meaningless questions of the personnel added to the distress and confusion. “Who are you? What is the date today? Do you know where you are now? Why are you here?”
Fear and misunderstanding mixed with the bitterness of prescribed mediation gradually and surely forced to the orientation in person, place, and time.
Who are you? – I am a human, I am a female
Where are you? – I am in a mental health facility
What is the time? – Morning, 9 am, March the 2nd… um … 2020
First, all these sounded like abracadabra, weird, surreal, and merely stupid.
Self-Identification? – Female. (Whatever). Labeling self and others through I, You, He, She, We, They …. split the whole reality into ugly pieces.
But it was indispensable to remember I am a female, 33 years of age, since saying this with an idiotic smile got her out of the crisis stabilization unit. No more intense surveillance, the prescribed pills were flushed down the toilet, and she breathed a sigh of relief no longer suffering from the upset stomach, skin blemishes, and drowsiness.
Trapping the identified HERself in the matrix of time: the past, the present, and the future was another torture. The time orientation made no sense: none of the personnel could adequately explain why the past that everyone sees differently should have the only one version sloppily reflected in history textbooks and broadcasted through mass media. Why the future that is never known should come as the definitively hopeless scenario, and why the present must be the bridge that connects the past sufferings with the anticipated hysteria.
She learned that the past was always the time when everyone was poorly trained and ignorant; horrid mistakes were made due to lacking in advanced knowledge and modern technology. While the far future presented as promising; the near future was pictured as the dreadful prognosis of stock market crashes, gory conflicts, infectious diseases, and environmental disasters. The present was the drama, the panic, the sensation widely spread through TV and the Internet.
Today is Monday, March the 2nd, 2020 – she said that nonsense looking straight into the dirty eyeglasses of the psychiatric nurse. She did her best to look as serious as possible.
– You are doing really good my dear, – the nurse hurriedly made notes getting ready to sign out for the day.
They discharged her a month after. She slowly walked out of the hospital, leaned up against the dirty brick wall, and lit a cigarette. She closed her eyes letting go of the espoused person, time, and place orientation; smoking, smiling, and disappearing in the cold November air.
– I am an addict, an addict, an addict… – the words rang in her ears every time she had to leave the quiet household and merge with crowds.
Crowds talked in their own way; the hysterical I gotta win, I can’t lose, I am late, mingled with the desperate he is not calling me back, she won’t get laid, they will never promote me forming a never-ending buzz.
She used to pick out male and female voices from the hum; initially, she was curious what the buzzing was about.
I must meet project deadlines, and I gotta pay the bills overlapped I am hungry, I am lonely, and I am horny. She moved on, I want her back, I’ll get drunk, I will smoke weed resonated with people are stupid, I should lose weight, I want shrimp scampi.
Eventually, the curiosity turned sour since different words generated the same old I want, I crave, I will die if I do not have it now. Words of distress and agony; words of anger and instant gratification, words of addiction.
The bigger was the crowd, the more addiction was emitted. Airports, stadiums, shopping malls were the worst particularly during the holiday season. Individual pain, fury, and anxiety fused into an avalanche of despair and hatred that moved fast enough to destroy serenity, love, and common sense.
The crowd annihilated human individuality, people turned into mere transmitters of cravings and impulsivity losing their mind, becoming numb, deaf, and blind. Loud music, bright pictures, and spicy smells blended with screaming sexuality amplified addiction and maximized craziness.
– I am an addict, I am an addict, I am an addict – the humming insanity of the crowd felt annoying to her ears. She was never a loner, she loved interacting with people, she was just bothered by crowds.
Loneliness feels like the joy of Colombian coffee and fresh baked cookies
Loneliness feels like watching comedy shows on the treadmill and breathing in the refreshing darkness of Friday nights after intense workouts
Loneliness is a quiet getaway from vain attempts to have a partner enjoy shopping malls, dinners with girlfriends, and in-laws’ visits
Loneliness can get you into spending Saturdays in a public library
Loneliness can mean home remodeling
Loneliness feels like orchids bathing
Loneliness looks like gardening
Loneliness comes with the time to review a monthly household budget and to plan a vacation
Loneliness allows the time to finally see a nutritionist and a fitness instructor and to start watching the diet and working on the beach body
Loneliness comes with taking care of sleep patterns and substituting sleeping pills with meditation and walking before bed
Loneliness feels like a cozy private room where you can have best one-on-one with yourself
Loneliness can smell like essential oils and taste like vanilla chocolate
Loneliness can get you into feeding flamingos and swimming with horses
Loneliness comes with a quiet mind and the tranquility of blue aquarium lights
Loneliness is the mirror where you see your true self, no mask, no make-up, no false bravado, nothing artificial
Loneliness will not allow you to fake confidence and pretend. Loneliness is the friend that never lies.
Every time loneliness knocks on the front door, I greet it with a smile. I feel at peace it is here, and it’s time to take a break from this busy life.