anxiety, depression, happiness, life, mind, psychology

Moving Somewhere or Feeling Stuck

stuck

Big city. Modern fairy-tale, neon nights, and highway tie-ups.

Early mornings with over-roasted coffee on an empty stomach. Fast paced work hours, puffy eyed rainmakers, and slow service in crowded cafeterias.

Bouts of depression are combined with heavy air, traffic noise, and collar stains on designer shirts. Loneliness comes along with whiskey on water and futile attempts to feel comfortable at private parties. Before-the-alarm wake ups and ever-lasting Monday fatigue.

He moved from a small town leaving old childhood traumas for new megapolis experiences.  – Don’t you understand Vixen? I need opportunities, right people, career, entertainment. I need money.

I understand.

His life in a big city was the constant go-go of aggressive self-promotion, goal-setting, and struggles to fit in. The more he made the more he pushed for, snorting cocaine and squeezing the maximum from the chest press machine. He was the winner who hid his insecurity behind the sparkling white smile and a seemingly sunny mood.

You gotta move forward, always move forward or you will lose.

Who told you this crap? – I shivered wrapping myself in a shawl. The AC in his office was constantly running causing goose bumps and nasal congestions.

You are crazy to say that.

His fear to become a loser mercilessly pushed him towards endless rat racing, which added more and more to his nervousness, impulsivity, and hopelessness. He cherished the illusion that he keeps moving up closing his eyes to the truth that he stays still.

You can go forward, backward, up and down. It really does not matter, luv. The truth of it is you never move no matter how fast you run.

 – What do you mean?  – years of living in a big city shaped his skill of hiding true emotions, but I could still feel the growing irritation behind his nonchalant politeness and trendy perfume.

 – You are an inferior boy who tries to show this world that you are someone big and important. You failed to prove it to your parents, nowadays, you are failing to prove it to your big bosses since no one cares. As you see, nothing has changed. You are still staying still. You are stuck, and your soul feels it.

He did not respond, and we never talked about it again.

 

2 thoughts on “Moving Somewhere or Feeling Stuck”

  1. It feels like you might have been my wife talking to me a few decades back. I was raised to succeed. Told I had to. Watched a father, then a step-father die of cancer. One tried. The other never tried. My life is different now. She left for another man… (and then another… and another… etc.) I tried again. Transitionally. It almost worked. Today… I write. I walk on beaches in another country. I share sunsets hoping to see the green flash again. I make love with a woman I share smiles with. I wish you had talked to me a long, long time ago.

    Like

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