happiness, life, love

We Deserve Our Problems

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– You deserve the ones you attract into your life, Vixen.

Tuesday coffee-break with Carla, water for me, decaffeinated latte for her. She was in a hurry as usually, 30 minutes prior another court case, chic black-rim glasses, pencil skirt, and merciless intelligence.

 – Actually, you are right, – I stopped sipping water through the straw and quickly adjusted the dress strap.

 – I am always right about you Vixen, you are very easy to read, very predictable, a perfect target for jerks like your Jim or hm… what was the name of your crazy surgeon again?

 – Greg, his name is Greg, – a hot flush covered me from head to toe as I said his name. Smile on my face and dizziness in my head, madly in love, irrationally obsessive

 – Yeah, they are pretty much reflections of what you think you deserve. They use you and throw you away after. And you are ok with it. What is wrong with you?

– I have no answer, my dear, – my glance fell on her coffee cup stained with the red lipstick. She was getting ready to leave, nervously searching for the car key in her purse.

This was one of few times I entirely agreed with Carla. We do deserve what we have, we build our reality based on what we allow ourselves to do in this life. We allow ourselves to be sick, miserable, healthy, or happy. We allow to open up to new opportunities and people or to close all doors and live blindly putting “good” or “bad” labels on ourselves and others.

Jim was the reflection of my desire to be with someone in power, someone to submit to entirely allowing him to resolve my problems. Once I realized that no one can help me fix myself but me, I lost interest in his obsessiveness and stopped reacting to his endless “you are insane, completely insane, all you care is my money and my penis”. With Greg it was different, he threw me into the roller-coaster of orgasms and pain, I loved the feeling and was not ready to deserve a better person.

Carla was quiet as we were leaving the coffee shop. She seemed to be disappointed.   I gave her a hug and wished her a nice day, she smiled back.  – Think about my words Vixen, you attract your own trouble.

 – You are a lawyer, not a psychoanalyst, – I was not in the mood to open up to her, she would not understand anyways.

 – I care.

– I know.

I watched her heading to the courthouse and went to the park to feed the ducks.

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