happiness, life, love

Anxiety versus Happiness.


Our mind – a compilation of phobias and fears, resentments and grudges, frustrations and anger.

Who ever gave us this tool, did not clarify how to efficiently silence it or use it if needed. And we identify ourselves with the mind, live under the diktat of past issues, and put labels on ourselves and on others. We do not live in the reality. All we see is gloom and doom of the past traumas in the present. We voluntarily perceive this world through the skewed glasses and fiercely resist to take them off. Pain of the past experiences is very familiar; the uncertainty of the present is scary. Choosing our inner demons over questioning the rationality of our fears is safe. We get too adjusted to mental injuries and sufferings, and do not want to leave them behind. If we lock our past in the closet, the reality will seem suspiciously quiet and unusually calm. We are not used to it. We get panicky expecting the storm to hit us right after the silence. We hurriedly put our skewed glasses back on feeling relieved that the uncertainly is gone, and our life is filled with familiar anxiety and depression again.

Familiar sufferings are better that unusual calmness.

The mind keeps demanding the solution to the problem. Turning the mind off means relinquishing the grip of the problem; we let the problem resolve itself. We go with the flow and live accepting our issues as illusory as everything else created by our mind. We do not follow the mind games, we just observe the panic it keeps creating. We see the problems as circles on the water, knowing that they will be gone, and we will submerge in the serenity again until the mind creates another issue to worry about. Resolving the present through the past experiences will give us the same old panic. The problem will resolve itself opening doors to a wider world, untarnished by past traumas and resentments.

Insanity means using same old thoughts and actions expecting new outcomes. Staying calm, accepting the uncertainty of our life, letting the demons in our mind pass is the key to true happiness.

 – I have no idea what you are talking about, Vixen, Greg was skeptical, stuck in his rigidly surgical world of cutting and medicating.

I gave him a hug and smiled. I loved him and learned to accept his insanity, his wife, endless mistresses, and pathological greediness. Intimacy with him balanced me out, I lived at the moment, I felt happy.




Smelling like Fear


– So, you say everyone smells… – Dim lights in Greg’s living room created the ghostly atmosphere that always excited me. Hanging out at his place was always a hope that one day I will be able to reach his heart. – Tell me, you are surgeon, you know better – I wanted a conversation, my head in his lap, my heart pounding in aspiration to meet his eyes and to have the connection beyond his penis.

 – Of course we do, Vixen – he was watching nightly news, mechanically running his fingers through my hair.

 – What do I smell like?

 – Sex and fear

 – Do you like my smell?

 – Yes, very much.

He was right, I felt scared. Fear bears neediness and attracts weird people into our life.

 – You gotta understand people, like all mammals, sense fear, and if you are scared, they will be after you, they will get you, they will take advantage. – Greg shifted his glance from the TV screen to my face. Tired look, expensive glasses, – Be careful, Vixen.

That night, driving home, I was trying to spot the fear in my body. I found it in my strep throat, it felt like pain, 103°F fever, dizziness, lack of safety and the desire to fall into tears. I waved aside Greg’s “go to emergency luv”, I needed silence to look inside and get to know the funky feeling that has been guiding my life.

Feeling scared felt like following the mind talk, being unable to separate self from the tiny recorder that kept rewinding “It will never get any better” over and over again.

Feeling scared felt like the inability to flow through the reality. The desire to control everything got me panicky; I could not be in charge, things did not work my way, and I got scared. It took me a while to realize that control is illusory, we do not even have control over our own life and death, how can we possibly control others?

Feeling scared felt like being impulsively hooked up with people in order not to be by myself. It was my silently explicit cry for help: “come and stay, give me warmth, solve my problems”. It obviously never worked that way. Being responsible for fixing own mess was the only way out.

Fear was there, the feeling was neither pleasant nor disgusting. I accepted it and slept well through the night. The next morning, my throat felt better. The mind started playing same old “things will never work your way”, I shrugged my shoulders, silenced the inner tape recorder, and went out with my son to catch the sunrise.

life, love

Love is


Love lives within everyone. It makes no sense looking for it on dating websites or casting nervous glances dressed up and downtown on Friday night.

Are you still seeking the feeling that has always been here with you? Are you heart-broken trying to kill it forever? Stupid, very stupid. First, no one makes you heart-broken, but your own desires to suffer, to feel significant and unique. Second, as long as you are alive, love will always be there.

All you do – you suppress love, you bury it under piles of inferiority complexes, needs to comply with societal standards, rigid principles and stubborn morality. You are too brainwashed by how people should behave, what they should and should not do, and what you need to do to have love in your life. You refuse to feel unless love complies with social norms and stays within ethical guidelines sterile and merciless as surgical lightning.

You demand control and possession, loyalty and consistency. You are adamant that his or her genitals should only be your property, and you freak out when being hit by the reality that control is fake, possessing others is unfeasible, loyalty is a myth, and consistency is great when achieving career goals; but love has nothing to do with it.

You seek love desperate, angry, and vindictive that he or she does not belong to you. You are unwilling to relinquish the imposed by the society conditions under which love should appear or disappear. You label others, you label yourself. You run away from the simple truth that love cannot be put on solely one person.

You lock yourself from the truth that chaining the other human being through money, marriage, financial commitments, or kids has nothing to do with love. You are afraid to admit that people come into this world, live, and pass away by themselves, and forcing them to stay in relations with you forever will never work since loneliness is a part of our existence. Our paths may cross, we may walk the same road, but it is only temporarily, sooner or later we will part ways and proceed by ourselves. It is normal, it is natural, it is part of our life.

Do you want love? Why are you resisting to accept that love won’t fill in the emptiness in your soul? You created your emptiness and worthlessness, and you are searching for someone to relieve you from your own mess, seriously?

You want love in order not to feel lonely, really? Why can’t you enjoy the present of freedom that you have as a human being on this planet?

Are you scared to be by yourself?  – Having another person in your bed will silence your fears but only for a little while.

Are you guilty and ashamed that everyone is happy, and you are not?  – Happiness begins with your own inner world, if you are not happy with yourself, how can another person be happy around you?

Are you desperate? – You emit despair

Are you horny? – You emit lust

Are you needy? – You emit neediness

Despair, lust, and neediness have nothing to do with feelings, they are mere emotions that will get you hooked up with certain people that will satisfy your cravings but only for a very short time. You cannot resolve your own issues through others.

Can you feel sincerely happy for someone who wakes up and smiles with another person? Can you send all your positive energy to the one who is too busy to remember your birthday date and your existence? No? Is love something that you need to have another person on a leash to serve your interests, your ego, and your penis or vagina 24 hours a day? If so, you are not there yet, you still have a long way to go.




Psychopath, Rick and his House



Rick invited us, are you coming? – Heather’s phone call woke me up 7 am.

 – Really? –  The last time I saw him ended up in my running away from his place panicking that he will hurt me.  – He is dangerous, I am not coming.

 – He is not dangerous, Vixen, – her laughter was bright and loud, my morning sleepiness vanished instantly. – He is a very nice guy. Actually, he keeps asking me about you all the time.

The image of that door mercilessly ripped apart flashed before my eyes. I shuddered under the blanket.   – I am not coming, Heather, he is nuts.

 – Do you want him to give you a call and personally invite you?

 – Are you kidding me?

 – He is throwing a house party. Everyone will be there including your Greg and Emy.

 – That night in Jacksonville he was not nice at all, he called me a slut and….

 – And who are you? A princess?

 – I am ending the call now…

 – Wait, – her voice slowed down and got softer as she proceeded, – I was just messing with you, Vixen. He wants to see you, he still does not understand why you ran away that night in Jacksonville.

 – Why can’t he call and invite me than? Why do it through someone else? – that guy made me seriously nervous, the morning obviously did not start the way I wanted.

 – Easy Vixen, you are being paranoid, it is just a party with a bunch of boring professionals and their wives like Greg and his Emy.

 – Where? – the thought about seeing Greg quickly change my mind; my heart started pounding; the man of my dreams, my Mister Perfect, the most wonderful person on this planet.

 – At his house in Boca Raton, I will pick you up at 9.       

 As we arrived, Rick gave me a broad smile, a warm hug, and a pleasant attitude.  – You have no idea how happy I am so see you again, my love, – redundantly hospitable demeanor and excessively bleached teeth – I have missed you a lot since you disappeared that night, – dark eyes and showy sincerity.  – She – he nodded in the direction of Heather, surrounded by the guests and giving it-is-a-pleasure-to-see-you-again hugs and cheek kisses – she promised to have you stop by, glad you did,  – he squeezed my shoulders – I shivered. The grip was heavy, his hands were firm and cold.

We kept staring at each other; I was trying to get through the softness of his words to the pit of his psychopathy. His blood-freezing “you are very averagely looking and anorexic. Bye slut” as I was leaving his place that night was still in my ears, the badly damaged door was still before my eyes. His warmth and intelligent politeness did not match the Rick I was scared to death in Jacksonville.

He bent forward, I felt the smell of menthol tooth paste as he was hoarsely breathing out “I really, really, really missed you” in my ear. His hands moved lower, and cupped my butt, I turned around in panic. His guests were having fun, Heather kept flirting and drinking, guys kept laughing, their wives kept gossiping giving her quick and spiteful looks. Huge living-room area, high ceiling, and repetitively nagging “how are you, how are you, how are you” added to my sadness that no one really cares, and no one will actually notice if he causes me pain.

I slowly stepped away releasing his grip with a polite smile. Coming here was a bad idea, the cocktail party, the presence of Heather, Greg, and Emy, other people, everything seemed to be an illusion, Rick felt real though, real and dangerous. I was lonely, invisible, and unsafe in his house.

 – This looks scary, – I pointed my finger at the indoor balcony, loudly talking to myself, no one hears, no one bothers, Rick’s obnoxiousness got me angry and helpless. – The balcony looks very dangerous.

The living-room got suddenly very quiet. I could literally hear the crackling fireplace sounds, and the wind howling from the pool patio. The guests’ glances were cautiously curious and weirdly intense. Heather loud cough as she choked on her water was the perfect excuse to follow her to the bathroom.

 – You are nuts, Vixen, what are you doing? – she got furious as soon as the bathroom door closed behind us.

 – What did I do wrong? – I knew something happened, I could feel it through my skin, through each cell of my body.

 – Don’t you know his daughter fell off the balcony and died? – she was spitting the words into my face, nervously brushing her hair.

 – I did not know, what happened?

 – She got drunk, heavily intoxicated, and fell to the death two years ago in this house, – her words were loud and merciless, I felt dizzy.

 – I did not know.

 – You should not have said that.

I got out of the bathroom and hurried to leave the house feeling everyone’s stares through the strapless dress. Rick’s voice paralyzed me for a moment as I was opening the heavy front door.

 – Why are you leaving?

 – I do not think it is appropriate for me to stay in this house any longer, Rick.

 – Why? – he grabbed my shoulders again, trying to meet my eyes. – Please stay, I will knock you up, and we will have a baby girl. Every woman wants a kid from me, you will get paid.

 – Let’s survive the party first, – this guy was nuts, he needed help big time.

The next morning, I woke up with big bruises on my both shoulders and on my butt, I was sore and angry. Heather did not respond to my phone calls, I deleted Rick’s “thinking about you all the time” from my IPhone and started getting ready for work.