– You make it very hard for me to love you Vixen, – there was something pathetic about the way Jim expressed himself.
– Don’t love me than
– You are hurting me
– Break up and find someone else, – I was not the mood to start the drama that night. I was too tired.
– When we make love I feel you, I touch your soul, and I love it. Don’t you understand?
I never trusted him, which was the core reason for my ongoing break ups and inconsistency. My feelings were strong, but my trust was weak. He blamed me for being unable to orgasm since I could not entirely open up and enjoy. I could not cum, I did not trust.
– There is no hope for us if you cannot trust me, Vixen –
He knew how to be expressively sweet when needed, with time I learned not to buy his dramatic demeanor, charisma, and loud sexuality.
Trust opens doors into the world of multiple orgasms, connection, love, and sincerity. I was unable to trust the one who kept forgetting the safe word during sex leaving bruises on my skin and accusing me of overreacting. I could not be totally submissive allowing him to control my body, my mind, and my soul and at the same time remain distant, scared, with the mind somewhere else.
Diving into submission letting someone to entirely dominate you requires trust. We were together for a while, but trust never emerged. I was scared of his influence and power, the fear kept me sexually aroused, but blocked me from getting anywhere in our relations. He was unable to feel my body and my mind, he only listened to himself and only saw what suited his needs. He saw me being entirely loyal, totally submissive, and worshiping him on my knees with the puppy eyes begging for intimacy. He took everything he could squeezing me like a lemon, and never gave me anything back. He simply did not hear my needs since the voice of his ego was too loud. I could not trust, I was unable to share, I shut down, I suffocated, I wanted out.
Trusting this world opens our eyes to the new opportunities, expands the reality, attracts new people and events into our life. Trust helps us communicate our wants and needs, inquire about something we do not know, and stop concluding the worst-case scenario. We no longer lock ourselves in the cage of our childhood fears and irrational phobias, the trust helps see that our demons are imaginary and are not even worthy of fighting with.
Trust in relationship allows to give in, to let the partner be as close as he wants, and to entirely vanish feeling his presence, his orgasm, his joy. I gotta feel safe to trust, with Jim it was not possible.
I am able to interact with this world allowing people and things into my life, but giving myself to Jim equals jumping under the moving train. I love my life too much to end it earlier than needed.