love

Falling in Love, Being a Sub

sex

Greg’s hospital updated his photo on the billboard. I see his face on my drive to work and smile recognizing the checked shirt I gave him for Christmas. I love him, and fighting it does not make things better.

He came out from the shower that night, naked, erect, in a hurry. His flight to California was rescheduled, and he had a couple of hours prior heading to the airport. Focused and time-conscious, he never cared about fore-play. Instant shower and instant sex – always precise, always to the point. He was quick and rough taking me from behind. My forehead was pressing against the mirror as he penetrated me. He was forceful and impatient shoving his cock inside, I was quiet and passive. I knew he needed me otherwise I would not be squeezed into his busy schedule between surgical conferences and waffles with maple syrup. I heard his usual I-love-you-babe as he was about to cum and smiled to my reflection in the mirror. He pulled out after ejaculating as usually, not caring much that I was not on a pill.  I went into the kitchen to fix him a sandwich. He started getting dressed, his driver was waiting outside. The intimacy was quick and quiet.

He left, and I went into the bedroom with a fiber cloth and vinegar to clean the mirror from the forehead and palm traces.

Our relations were silent, physical, and weird. His mind was blank, his way of processing reality was very concrete and straightforward. – I need proof Vixen, what is it evidenced by?  – his approach to sex and life was similar to his working on research studies. Black and white, precise and fact-based. No shades, no excuses, no remorse, nothing.

 – You are a scholar yourself, you should understand, Vixen

I kept shaking my head. Working on my dissertation was just a way to buy a boat since Greg was too greedy to pay my yacht club membership. I did my best not to see this world through the prism of peer-reviewed articles. He did, combining dead book-knowledge with removing cancer from human bodies. Always stressed and always quiet.

I fell for him, for his ability to focus, to use me with his cock, and to discard me when I was not needed.

Would you love him if he were attentive and respectful? – Heather was curious.

 – I do not think so.

 – It is scary my dear, you seem to be into guys who cause you pain.

Heather was right, I was a sub, and there was not much that I could do about it.   

life

Dominance, Jim, Attachment

BDSM

I clicked with Jim that night. He wanted to see me. As usually I was angry and ready to break up, as usually, I melted as soon as our eyes melt. He handed me yellow roses, I quietly put them into a vase and dropped aspirin into the water. His flowers were always beautiful and always lasted long.

Do you want to be with me Vixen?

I did not respond. He moved closer, I shuddered at his kiss, it was too redolent of power. Selfish, horny, and aggressive. He wanted sex and did not care much about my feelings.

The code word is RED my dear. You gotta stop if I say it, otherwise you will end up killing me and going to jail. You bruised me bad last time, – I knew my words were useless; he only listened to himself.

 – I will stop immediately, – his shift to sadism was almost instant. He grabbed my hair really hard forcing me to give him head. I entirely surrendered control following his commands to do what he wanted. His orders got wilder and sluttier, turning sex into a mere power game, my submission was total and unconditional.

I kept serving, obeying, and pleasing; he was rough, I was losing myself. He was fucking me hard with his hand on my throat when the click happened.

 – Your body belongs to me, don’t you dare to take it away from me, – there was something primeval about his whisper. I just looked into his eyes and felt him, his fury, aggression, and obsessiveness. I surrendered, I opened up, I connected, I gave myself to him entirely, without leaving anything to myself. Greg was no longer in the picture, he disappeared from my reality.

 – By the way, what is going on between you and Greg?  – sex was finished, Jim was curious. I was quiet, – He is not a bad surgeon, Vixen, but he is a shitty person. You should stay away from him.

 – How do you know? – I did not care much from that standpoint, Jim finally got me, I was attached.

 – I know his colleagues do not like him, he does not get along with others.

 – They just promoted him to the Vice President position, please go home, – I wanted Jim to leave and never come back. I hated myself for falling for him, but it was too late, there was nothing that I could do.

 – When shall I see you again?

 – Never, I will get married and will live in a nice big house with a boat and a big black vehicle.

 – Don’t be an idiot, I have houses and boats. And I can buy and sell your Greg as many times as I want. When shall I see you again?

 – F*ck you, – it was no longer no-strings-attached, I had feelings for him, and it was horrible. I felt weak, scared, and ashamed.

I blocked his phone after he left and went to bed. It was a heavy day, and I wanted it to be over ASAP.

life

My Lover Versus my New Date

date

Dave and I met through Heather. He told me I am unique and invited me out.

 – I am very selective about people I communicate with, but meeting you is not an accident. You are truly an angel, an incredible lady. I would like to learn more about you.

 – Ok, – after breaking up with Jim I felt kinda bored and scheduled the date between my dental appointment and picking up my son from his sitter.

Dave specialized in finance and executive management, owned several healthcare companies, and did consulting. He was into yoga and Buddhism, had a bleached smile, a pleasant demeanor, and smelled like expensive perfume.

 – Go out and have fun, maybe it is the match, and you will finally move to a big house and sleep 12 hours daily, – Heather was persuasive. She wanted me to marry someone established, I wanted passion, affection, and a firm big cock.   

 – Ok, ok, I will go

I showed up right after taking care of my tooth, still numb from the anesthetic, unable to move the right side of my face. Dave laughed at my asymmetric smile and gave me a hug. He looked fit and open. The waiter brought his cappuccino with my water and dessert. I took a bite of the cherry-oats cookie and closed my eyes turning my face to the evening sun.

He came from the family of lawyers, graduated from law school, but found the court system too aggressive and went into finance.

 – Hun, I became a multimillionaire when I turned 40. And still am. But it took time to realize that money do not bring true happiness, – he presented as sophisticated and classy.

I offered him to bite off my cookie, he politely refused with the yikes expression on his face.

Greg would eat the whole piece and would lick the crumbs off my fingers. But Greg was not a purebred lawyer with multi-millions in savings and refined manners. He was just a surgeon, extremely traumatized by his childhood and locked in his own shell.

 – I had a fantastic childhood, we never lived in unsafe areas, always upscale communities, I have never needed anything, never been fired, never struggled financially, but if my friends need help, they can always stop by to fish, to play golf, and to relax. I teach them to see beyond their capacity. Ultimate fun and ultimate grief are just passing waves in the ocean. Highs and lows. But we are not the waves, we are the ocean, this is what people need to realize, – I kept nodding pretending that I was listening. He was elegantly snobbish, knowledgeable of the Eastern philosophy, and extremely polite, which was nice and very asexual.

Greg would put his hand under my skirt checking if I had my panties on. I would blush at his horny look, feeling embarrassed, insulted, and sexually aroused.

 – I am one of few who believes in chivalry luv, I will always treat you with respect. I will never ask for an explicit picture, it is disgusting what some people do today, – Dave kept speaking, I kept feeling bored.

Greg craved for my naked photos, “I want a picture of your pussy, I will jerk off tonight”. He was blunt, I was compliant. His straightforwardness was naïve, intimidating, and hot.

Dave was descent, well-mannered, and cold. There was no click, no chemistry, nothing.

He asked me a bunch of questions about my past, I responded watching the shock on his face; his fancy mind could not grasp the story of being homeless. Greg could understand, he was a mongrel like myself.

He took me to my vehicle asking when we would meet the next time. I gave him a smile and blocked his phone number later that night.

 – He can make you happy, he is stable, single, generous, what else do you want? – Heather was mad, I did not care.

She was right though, he was stable, even-minded, and emotionally healthy. He was raised in love and had been carrying the feeling of safety throughout his life. I was not ready for a man like this.

Greg used me as a stress reliever, making love to him was awesome. Sex was the only way for him to express himself without hiding behind the introversion. He threw at me fireworks of emotion, I was always receptive and thankful. His mind could flip quickly getting him from 0 to 100, and from 100 to 0, he instantly shifted from being sexually aggressive to cold and disinterested. His attitude was unhealthy, draining, disrespectful, and very enticing. I needed that roller-coaster. I loved it. We were both traumatized by the past, we did not have the inner safety and security that Dave attained as a child in his happy family.

I felt happy for Dave and very grateful to have Greg in my life.

 

love

Being loyal, Greg, Honesty

bdsm-1973281_1920

–          Lying is a huge deal breaker, VixenGreg leaned towards me. I moved closer. Snuggling with him on the carpet was delightful. He was as warm as a big German Shepherd.

–          Where did this come from? – I was surprised at his attempts to start a conversation. Busy, focused, and introverted, he rarely shared anything with me. Our relationship was very physical, we conversed through touch and skin, verbal communication was very uncommon.

–          If you lie, I won’t be with you

–          I won’t lie

–          I am just saying, I am loyal, and expect it from you.

–          I am loyal, – I leaned on him and closed my eyes.  People need illusions that the world runs according to their expectations. I kept giving Greg the illusion of loyalty; it made him happy, he kept coming back, it made me happy.

I never got to realize what is so attractive about loyalty that people are ready to separate, divorce, or even become violent with each other after they realize that they are not the only ones in their partner’s life. We are not unique, people can be substituted, it is not a big deal, it is the way things work in this world.

I will say whatever Greg wants to hear to support the fallacy that he is the only man I care for in my life. Crushing this illusion would be painful to him, and I do not want it. When you love you want to make sure that he or she feels good. I love Greg. I want him happy and stress-free, he will never know that my heart is capable of having feelings for other people. He does not need to know.

–          What is going on between you and Jim?

–          Nothing, – I knew Jim would never tell the truth, he kept his profile very low; plus admitting to the fact that he is around a girl like me could harm his spotless reputation.

–          Did you break up with him?

–          Yes.

–          Good.

That’s it, end of discussion. He opened up for a moment to get the confirmation that I am still his possession. Once he got it, he shut down almost immediately. I felt his relief as he was crawling back into his shell. His mind was phenomenal – copious publications, spectacular career in otolaryngology, recent promotion to the CEO position, he was genius, simply genius.

We maintained the eye-contact having sex on his leather loveseat. I had my legs on his shoulders, he was very affectionate, I was totally surrendering to him. He reached orgasm and turned on the TV. I started picking up the clothes from the carpet.

–          Are you loyal, Vixen?

I flinched feeling his gaze on my back and slowly turned around. He was staring at me intensely without smiling. Our eyes met, and for the first time I sensed his need to have me in his life. I was finally invited into his inner world carefully hidden behind the silence of his introversion.

–          Yes, Greg, – I am only loyal to myself, but he does not need to know. He felt very naïve and vulnerable, and I did not want to hurt his feelings.

life

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Thank you for reading me 🙂

With love from Vixen.