life

Dominance and Submission. Sex. Jim

 

I am scared of Jim, of his power, his dominance, and his ability to get his way remaining deaf and blind to the needs of others. I can beg him on my knees, he will step over and move on. Actually not, first, he will have me kiss his feet, he is dom. “Get on your knees, quickly; I want you to worship me, Vixen”.  I bend, I surrender myself, I am afraid he will destroy me, and the feeling of fear gets me all aroused.

 

Persistently and slowly he spreads his tentacles through my life withdrawing me from those who I love and who love me.  He did his best to cut me off James, and he succeeded. I have not seen James for a long time. Now, he hates my best girlfriend, a nice Christian girl who does my taxes. “She is rude, lazy, and ignorant, she is giving you bad advice on taxes, she has no understanding of the tax code, she is not really your friend, she is an idiot”.

 

          But she is my best friend, you cannot just come into my life and put labels on people I love

 

          I am your friend, I am probably the most normal person you ever had in your crazy life. You gotta start trusting me, Vixen.

 

I never did. Being around him feels like playing with fire; dangerous and enticing. No trust, no love, pure lust and obsession with domination and submission.  

 

He never listens. He does not care about my feelings, He wants me to bow down and kiss his feet, and I do.  He bends me over the couch forcefully spreading my legs, and I give in. He keeps extending his dominance outside the bedroom, I quietly surrender. He stretches out his tentacles to all aspects of my life, and it is scary, and exciting; I feel dizzy and get wet at his heavy look. He is gaining more and more power over me, part of me resists it, part of me hates him, part of me gets turned on.

 

He fiercely pulls my hair, I whisper our safe word “yellow” and he lets me go. One day he did not. He got aggressive and intense, pulling my hair too hard. My whispering “Yellow” turned into crying “Red! Stop! Leave me now!” He finally came and released his grip.

 

          I love sex with you Vixen. You are totally submissive, I can’t get enough of you.

 

          You were supposed to stop when I say our safe word. You will end up hurting me and going to jail, – it went too far, I was sore and scared.

 

          I will never hurt you.

 

I was hypnotized by his power and control. It had nothing to do with love. I loved Greg, I craved Jim; he was way too hot and dramatic to be loved. He pushed my buttons, got me crazy, and brought me back to sanity through his dick. I melted, entirely losing my identity, totally subordinating myself to his dominance. It had nothing to do with love. It was a pure addiction.

 

My neighbor stopped by later that night. She brought zucchini and tomatoes. We chatted, we laughed, I enjoyed fresh veggie bites with olive oil and pepper putting the weird dom/sub episode in the back of my mind. I was too tired to think if I want to see Jim again.   
love

Love versus Possession

     

      – Do you love me Vixen?

I hated when Jimasked this question. He lived in the black and white world where everything was either Yes or No; he did not see any other colors. He expected the concrete answer from the concrete woman. But there was no answer, and I was neither concrete nor real.

            
       Honey, please, put your phone down and answer my question.  – I was checking flights to Cyprus, fantasizing about Mediterranean olives, pink flamingos, and mountain tours.   – Are you texting another guy?

I shuddered at his dark and heavy look and turned the gaze from my iPhone. – Look at me Vixen.    – Our eyes met, he was unsmiling, controlling and possessive as usual.  

          
         I am planning a vacation in Cyprus  

          Who is paying for it?

          None of your business

          I pay your bills, I need to know.

I quietly put the iPhone aside; there was something evil and hypnotic about him, something that kept me around after copious hysterical attempts to break up.

      
             Do you do witchcraft on me, Jim?  

          If I did, you would be on your knees sucking my cock. It’s love. Don’t you understand?

          No, it’s not. You do not treat people you love like possessions…

          You are not my possession. You are my girlfriend.

          Can you share me?

          No, – he was quick, categoric, and angry. – Never.

          Because there is no love. When you love someone, you want to make him or her feel good. You do not want to see me having sex with another man even if it gives me pleasure. Why?

          You belong to me, if you cheat on me, it will be over.

          Whatever,  – I really hated this conversation

          Don’t you have any feelings for me at all?

          I do.

          Why do you want to f*ck another guy, who is he by the way?

          You want to watch me with another woman, why can’t you watch me having sex with another man?

          Do you mean the crazy guy who should be arrested for masturbating in a public place?

          He was doing in an on-call room

          While having you on the phone, he is nuts… Actually on-call room is a public place.

          Ok, – I really needed a vacation.  

          Do you love me, Vixen?

          I gotta go.

          What about that guy?

          I gotta go

I was alive, I had feelings, I could be giving and receiving, but Jim’s constant attempts to crawl under my skin and into my mind kept me off. I felt almost suffocating under his control. The dominance in bed was fun, but being a sub in the real life made me sick.

          Are you with Adam?

          We are just friends

          I want you to stop it.

          Why?

          He is sick

          We all are

Adam’s sickness was funny, touching, and naive, Jim’s sickness was dark and scary. Adam’s “hey baby” made me smile. We were friends. Jim never got that. He wanted my entire belongingness and subordination, it was exciting, but it killed love.   

          We are not compatible, please let me go, – I was tired, he was consistent.    

          I am the only normal person in your life. You are too vulnerable, I can’t leave you now. Do you love me Vixen?  

       Back on my iPhone checking flight and hotel deals, thinking about old Larnaca streets and Cypriot coffee. I felt I was already there. Cold April water and laid-back hotel service. This time I will take my son, he will love it.

          Do you love me Vixen?  

He was trying to shuck me like an oyster. It was the time for me to go.  
love

Time For a Change

Greg texted early this morning. “Happy Easter, honey.” I woke up, stretched, and smiled. It was the time to shower, get dressed and go to church. My son was excited to see his dad, I was excited to see his dad. I knew Greg would be there. The sun was shining, the wind was blowing, the ocean looked greyish and choppy, as we were hurrying along the waterfront to the Easter service.

The church was busy, I took my son to the nursery, entered the auditorium, and saw Greg. He was with his wife and the kids. The boys looked annoyed and restless, devoid of the iPhones. Emy was overweight and exhausted as usual. I waved hello as I was coming closer. I sat down near him. Emy on his right, I am on his left. He grabbed my hand, our fingers were intertwined, I closed my eyes feeling aroused. I knew Emy was watching. My mind was empty, no remorse, no guilt, no concerns for her feelings. She is his wife, I am his mistress, he is the father of my child, I am in love.

  
        I love your dress, – she tried to maintain the poker face. Her voice sounded polite and calm.

I gave her a quiet smile. I was happy, I was sitting next to the man of my dreams; the best Easter present ever.

As we were leaving the church, she asked if I will be willing to join her for lunch. I felt pain in her voice.

          Greg and the kids won’t be there. You can stop by if you like, – she was almost sobbing.

          Why are you doing it to yourself? – my question caught her off balance, she started crying. I hurriedly looked around. No one was watching us. People were too busy putting their kids into family vans.  – He cheats on you, it bothers you, why do you tolerate this?

          He loves me.

          But it causes you pain.

          He does not love you, Vixen. He uses you when he wants, but at the end of the day he comes home.

          But you are the one who suffers. Why do you put up with it?

She sniffled, I gave her a tissue.

          I can’t just walk away from my marriage. You do not understand, you have no principles.

          Sounds like your principles cause you lots of pain, my dear, – I gave her another tissue, her tears bothered me. I hate watching people cry.

          I have to keep face for our children, for our community, for my parents, for our careers, – she was desperately persuading herself to continue swallowing Greg’s disrespect with Irish coffee and a fake smile.

          Your boys are in boarding school most of the time. You rarely see them these days. Your community only cares about money.

          But if I walk away, it will mean that I lost, and you won

          Who cares?

          You

          I don’t. 

That afternoon, we had a nice lunch in one of waterfront restaurants downtown. It was warm and windy. I felt the sea water splashes on my skin. Greg was with our kids, I was free and happy. Emy was usually inflexible and possessive. She hated losing, she would rather live five, ten, fifteen years in a loveless marriage than admit to the fact that it is over. Stuck within the win-lose paradigm, enslaved by the public opinion, and tied by the social norms, she was constantly confusing love with the need to satisfy her ego and societal demands, and she suffered blaming me for everything. 
I could not change her attitude. All I could do was to change myself. I felt it was the time, the time for a meaningful change, for my change.