life

Saturday Morning, Flipping Realities, Jim

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Saturday morning, 50 boy-pushups on the pier, and beach running. Dancing palm-trees and air in the ears as I was forward and backward swinging on a children’s playground. The fun of morning loneliness,  my 87 pounds on a swing seat, feeling as light as a feather.
 
Jim’s “you are psychotic, I cannot figure you out” shattered the serenity of rustling palm leaves and crashing waves. His texting threw me from trance to the hysteria of his never-ending I-need-to-know-what-is-on-your-mind. The message got me pensive.
Psychotic, wow. He kept telling me I was bi-polar, I kept laughing in his face, he kept getting pissed, I never cared.
 
With time, I learned to accept my mood drops as the part of one of my countless personalities. Then, I started catching the signals of my upcoming mood swings, I knew the time they would occur, I knew when the reality would flip, and how long it would take to get back from seeing the world through the lens of gloom or ecstasy. Gradually, it got way too old and boring to follow the mind games, and I just stopped paying attention to my mind. I quit forcefully evening up my moods since I did not care any longer.
 
The Madonna’s “you only see what your eyes want to see” made lots of sense. The depressed personality chose to see the world through the despondency of poverty and fast-food, the anxious self was able to find drama even in the bliss of winter sunsets. 
 
Then I discovered a bunch of other personalities and stopped locking myself in the hyper-hopeless box. The mind could create anything from happy to horny, from pensive to doomy, separate personality – separate reality with own rules and regulations. I learned to take advantage of the Buddhist “what we think we become”, choosing the personality daily like my laced panties. I juggled the realities having fun when I wanted, knowing that they were fictional, that everything was fictional, that there was no real self, that I did not exist.  
 
Speaking to Jim about it made no sense, he was way too immersed in his money-making rat-racing circle. Greg and Adam were more existential, they understood, but it did not matter, nothing really mattered that quiet Saturday morning in Florida.     
kinky, love

Swinger, Lunch with Victor

sex

          Tell me what turns you on,  – Victor’ voice was hypnotic; he had dark eyes and a calming touch. I loved hanging out with him.
          Well, – I blushed but did not look away. He was amazing; NON-possessive, NON- judgmental, NON-monogamous. Once or twice a week we met for lunch to discuss each other’s kinks and lick vanilla chocolate off the fingers, – Kindness, common sense, big hard cock.
          That’s me, baby.
          We are just friends.
          But we can take care of each other’s needs.
 
If Jim heard us, he would freak out. He hated Victor. “Your friend is cuckoo, I would never hire him, never in a million years. His hospital privileges need to be revoked. Don’t tell me you are talking to that pervert again”.  I kept hiding my smiles and faking seriousness every time Jim lectured me.
 
          I have questions about swinging, –  I was subtly changing the topic. 
          Wow, Vixen. I can’t believe you are interested. Ask me anything.
          How do you find partners for group sex?
          By asking friends. Or through swinging clubs and private parties. At both there is no pressure, you and your partner can do what you want. It is so hot going to those places. Some of them are very upscale. I will take you. You can pick out a guy for you to play with
          Please go on, – talking to Victor was much more exciting than working on the damn research proposal. The statistics was killing me that day; I was thankful that he called and invited me for lunch.  
          Vixen, I am safe, been tested
          What excites you most about such places?
          May I be direct? – Warm smile, white teeth and deep gaze, his openness touched my heart.
          Yes, you may, – I was curious, he was horny
          Watching you getting f*cked would excite me a lot. I love you Vixen, you have the qualities that I need: kindness, intelligence, you are submissive sexually. I want to f*ck you hard and watch a hot guy f*ck you hard. A swingers club will be ideal for it.
          Hmm,  – I  did not expect that our hey-what’s-going-on lunch break would turn into this,  I was stunned and speechless. I was entirely unprepared – we were just friends.
          I hope you are not upset.
          No, I am not, – no one ever expressed his feelings in such a weird way, it was interesting, I did not want to interrupt his stream of consciousness
          Do you want to give us a try?
          So, it would not bother you to see me with another guy?
          Not at all! – his excitement was increasing, my sanity was vanishing
          Can you love several people at the same time, my friend?
          Of course, I love you, I love my girlfriend, my heart is open, can you?
 
The question caught me off guard. I was surprised I never asked myself if I can have feelings for more than one person. The answer was on the surface: YES, YES, and YES. I threw back my head in hysterical laughter. I felt relieved. Victor’s kinkiness was amazing. The lunch was over.