Only Love Matters. My Escort Girl and Myself Again


–          Why don’t you give Jim another chance?Heather’s chopsticks stopped mixing wasabi with soy sauce as she looked up at me.
–          I will betray myself by coming back
–          How? – She carefully picked up a tuna roll with her chopsticks and dipped it into the soy sauce    
–          When you break up with someone, you are hopeful that your time will come, and one day you will meet your match. You would not dump someone you really care about unless there is a reason.
–          Ok… – her skin had that innocent porcelain freshness. Eating dead fish with sodium and having sex with several partners on a daily basis did not seem to stain her baby-doll beauty. Despite the sleepless weekend with Greg, she looked fresh, outrageously glowing, simply gorgeous.   
–           If you decide to reunite, it only means that you have given up on yourself and stopped believing that you deserve love. You are basically telling yourself, ‘I do not deserve any better, anyways, it is better to be with my ex than lonely’. You become a traitor and a liar. You start coming up with millions of fake reasons why you should be with someone you do not love. And at the end, you force yourself to forget the true reasons for your previous disentanglement, and you reunite. I do not want to be a traitor, Heather
–          I agree with you, – she put the chopsticks aside and reached for a small clay tea kettle.
     Every move of her well-defined body was suggestive of chic and grace. She was a beautiful woman, an objectively beautiful woman. Even the call girl title added something special to her image, something mysteriously nonchalant and quietly charismatic. – Are you still in love with Greg?

I smiled and shrugged my shoulders. I was supposed to have resentment for both of them, I should have hated her and him, I should have reported her for prostitution and blocked his phone number. But I was not offended, neither jealous nor angry.     

          Tell me Vixen, are you still in love?
–          You know, I am
–          What has he done to you my dear? He is greedy, selfish, he is really bad in bed.
–          Love is love, I can’t do much about it
–          Aren’t you betraying your self-worth?
–          Not really
–          How come?

I knew she would not get it. My mind could not get it, I stopped trying to understand myself long ago. Going with the flow was the only way to deal with my mind-blowing inconsistency and ridiculousness.


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