I had that conversation with Greg not long ago. Sitting at an outdoor restaurant table late Friday night, I was enjoying the darkness, the wind, and him, his smell, his warmth, his naïve selfishness and straightforward ingenuity. He was hypnotic, I was happy with pounding heart, and wet with excitement panties.
– Tell me Vixen what you believe in?
– What do you mean?
– You do not seem to be deeply religious, you do not even celebrate Christmas.
– It is getting way too commercialized. But I love Christmas lights, they are warm and relaxing.
– Talk to me, tell me your beliefs.
– I can’t
– Because there is no I or You, my love. How can I tell what I believe in if I do not exist? And to who would I say it since there is no You either.
– Please continue, – he was truly interested, I could tell the interest was beyond his usual “fuck-me-or-fuck-off-baby”.
– You were late, Greg.
– I could not leave the OR earlier. Had to help my new partner with her first difficult case. If it was just me by myself, I would have been done hours ago.
– But nevertheless, you drove to see me after.
– Because I want to get you naked after dinner.
– Your mind created your late signing out of the OR, and your need to see me
– I do not understand…
– Would you be still hard for me if someone had called you right after you left the hospital and let you know that your wife is in ER?
– I am losing my erection Vixen, it is mean.
– You’ve just imagined it, and your body functioning has changed. Your mind took you through the scenario that involved previously known traumas and fears, your body reacted correspondingly. At the moment I asked you the question about your wife you were no longer the Greg that had looked at me like a hungry dog ready to use my body after dinner. You were the Greg that was deeply concerned about Emy’s health.
– Go on, – he took a sip of water and hurriedly put the glass down.
– Sex with me is your remedy for stress at work. When everything is fine, you never even bother about my existence. This coping mechanism your mind mechanically copied from millions of others who do same or similar jobs. And the Greg who does not know how to deal with cutting into people elsewise created me as a temporary relief since your Emy does not put up with your cursing and yelling. The mind created the Greg that loves his job since the fallacious notion of saving people’s life daily makes his ego feel superior. Another Greg hates his job, but does it regularly since it will be very hurtful for his ego if he decides to quit. Your ego is very dependent of what others say. Since in your very early childhood, your dad made you feel like piece of crap, and you were bullied at school, your mind created the Greg who is a very successful surgeon and proves everyone that the Greg is not a fucking loser that his dad used to be.
– You are cruel, Vixen
– The problem here is….- I paused as a server showed up to add water into my glass, and continued when she left – The problem is that there is another Greg that realizes that people do not care who he is and what he does for living. This Greg is getting nuts since the pain from his childhood is still here, this Greg locked himself in the career he hates, and no one is really impressed or grateful for what he does. This Greg is the creation of the illusion what the abuse in your childhood really existed, the boys really beat you up for being Jewish, and the girls did not give you the pussy. The mind created your traumas, the traumas created multiple personalities, and every time the personalities switch, the created Gregs switch as well.
– Stop here, – he was surprisingly involved in what I was saying, – Where is my real self? The real Greg, very honest, very direct, and very to the point.
– Seems like your mind created another illusion that there is the Greg who is as transparent as a clean glass and as straight as the arrow, since he was deceived multiple times by someone he really trusted and loved. But I bet there is the Greg who does not disclose every mistake to his patients for the fear of being sued. Another personality again.
– Do you love me Vixen?
– Your mind created the illusion that loves you unconditionally, whereas in fact, neither You nor I exist.
– This sounds crazy
– Remember existentialist approach to unfolding personalities? What will happen if we peel the phony, phobic, impasse, implosive, and explosive layers of ourselves?
– What will happen?
– There will be nothing to peel, the onion will disappear. You will be gone.
– It sounds very depressing Vixen
– Is it good to know that you do not exist?
– Does it really matter? – I was tired and ready to leave
– Wow Vixen, I gotta think about it
– And I gotta go.
I left him speechless that night. The Vixen he created still loved him, but needed to take a nap and be by herself.