life

Independence versus Slavery


           I have learned that nothing in this life is impossible, – Jim leaned forward and stoke my wrist.
We were sitting in a small cafeteria. I was drinking water with lemon, blushing at his gaze. – You just need to be specific. Do you want my help and my love?
 –          I wanted to give love, but it never worked out, I was very unhappy with you.  Brownish spots from cappuccino on his ice-white coffee-cup bothered me. I was getting really OCDish.
 –          I am very strong, I can replace the father you do desperately desire especially when you are scared, I just can’t be in a limbo all the time
 –          I am not giving you any more chances, this time it is over. – I wiped his cup with a napkin and looked around. The cafeteria was very clean and cozy; people were snobbish and nicely dressed. I’ve got to hand it to him: he always takes me to upscale places.
          I want my lover back.
          I want my dessert, – Greg did not show up for the New Year’s Ave and only texted “Merry Christmas” several days after the holidays. I wanted Jim to leave me alone in this beautiful café with people in designer suits and leather shoes. It was breakfast time, the time for tiny cups with espresso near laptops and daily analysis of the stock market.
          I am like a rock, you can lean on me hard.

I really wanted Jim to leave. His “nothing in this life is impossible” was a joke. It was obviously impossible for me to have Greg in my life. Him being back and forth was mentally draining. I was not ready to continue living like this any longer. Jim is wrong. Things that we really want seem to be literary impossible. I want Greg, Jim wants me. A bitter irony, Murphy’s law.


I ordered a dessert-to-go. A polite girl in a perfectly ironed white uniform gave me a glossy box with a chocolate ganache. It looked chic. Everything in that cafeteria was classy. People, napkins, even bowls with organic ice-cream for service dogs. Vogue-like, upscale, and secure. I was the only insecure one wavering between being taken care of by Jim or killing mornings in traffic jams in fear to be fired for running late.

Jim or office slavery. None of these sounded attractive to me that morning. I wanted to be one of those beautiful people that looked, smelled, and felt like independence. I knew I will get there. I knew one day I will inhale the smell of freshly-brewed coffee in this place as a free person without having to choose between sex with a sugar daddy or the handcuffs of the employment contract.
Jim says that everything is possible. I hope that my dream to be free is much more feasible than Greg’s daily presence in my life.