When I think about Jim I think about power. He is the first person in my life who is much stronger than I. He knows how to bend me to his wants and needs and what buttons to push to have me back in his life when he needs it.
After I decided to stop putting up with his endless coercion, I blocked his number in my phone. Equipped with what I read on gender equality and encouraged by feminist propaganda about being strong and independent, I enjoyed two fantastic weeks without his obsessiveness, sexual aggression, and selfishness.
Then he started coming by showering me with gifts. I quietly accepted everything from roses to new furniture, smiling and slamming the door in his face. I felt I was starting a new life as a powerful person, I was proud of myself that I finally managed to withstand his clinginess and harassment.
It all went well until I had a phone call from the daycare, my kid got sick, they wanted me to pick him up immediately. The whole world was crashing on me as I was driving him to a hospital. My mind was racing coming up with nightmare scenarios. We were promptly admitted and allowed into a tiny cubicle with wheezing and moaning with pain patients behind the dirty curtain. I was sitting on the cold tiles with my son in my lap, hugging him and stroking his hair. Panicky to the point of being unable to breath, I was blankly staring ahead singing a stupid ABC song. A doctor could not see him. A PA mumbled something about infection and gave me a referral to see a pediatrician.
I left with my son sleeping on my shoulder. I felt like crap. I could not afford a private insurance for my child and be seen by a descent professional. Instead, I had to put up with inexperienced graduates from a ghetto residency clinic that accept junkies on Medicaid. My sense of power vanished and the decision was made. I called Jim. I needed help, organic food and good medical care, nice brandy dresses and overseas vacation.
– I can help you not to be a loser. Are you my lover? Just say yes and let’s make things much calmer and nicer for both of us
– Yes, Jim
– I want to be with you at least weekly if not more. I will give you the space you need for school and raising your child. But I want to see you a fair amount. If you are consistent with me, I will be consistent with you.
– Yes, Jim
He was back again, that night I fell asleep without panicking about the future.