life

From Zombie to a Human


The desire to become a better person came to me instantly and unexpectedly the night I was asked to play Rachmaninov in a` private party. I was an alien there, wearing made-in-China synthetic top and what I considered “special slimming concert pants” size 4 stretched out on my knees. I was stoop-shouldered and scared to make an eye contact with dazzling blondies and their packed in expensive suits partners.  It was the first time in my life I touched the real Fazioli piano and fell in love with its deep and rich sound. I had a glass of wine in hope it would help me deal with my nothingness and minor acne on the forehead but it only made me excessively sweater. My armpits were wet and smelly like Lady Speed Stick, and I was ashamed to fully extend out my arms while playing the piano.
Guests were looking through my “good-girl” type of body in cheap outfits focusing at tall girls in strapless dresses with sharply defined shoulders, huge deer eyes, and bleached teeth.
 I was myopic, and looked like a school teacher in black rim Chanel glasses, the only expensive thing I allowed myself to have. I drove to the party in a pre-owned American junk, chewed menthol gum to mask my mouth smells from pizza and Starbucks coffee, and felt like usually, worthless, tired, and reluctant to go home to an alcoholic and a full-time work and clean routine.
As I left, I lit a cigarette prior to getting into my vehicle and turned around. That house looked like a dream, a sparkling Christmas tree, warm, enticing, and homey. And at that very moment, I realize that I gotta change something about myself to get out of loveless marriage, nerdy image, endless running nose, antibiotics, acne, and low self-esteem.
It was the last cigarette I smoked and the last wine I drank.  I became pagan and raw vegan, changed coffee and tea to pure water, and joined a local gym. I started seeing beautiful changes in the bathroom mirror. A year after, I met the man of my dreams, got pregnant, and left my ex. I started living, breathing, laughing, and crying. I was gradually turning into a live human being, capable of emphasizing, feeling, giving and receiving. I became a human, and it was the best thing I ever did for myself in my entire life.