life

How to communicate with a zombie.


I gotta interact with zombies sometimes. It does not bother me much, but the communication with them has certain distinctive features. 
1)      When communicating with a zombie you should respond to their meaningless: How are you doing? somethings like: I am fine, and what about yourself? Of course, a zombie does not care about your wellbeing, but he automatically throws How are you? into your face since socially acceptable manners are literary ingrained in him
2)      A zombie has rigid boundaries. If you accidentally come too close to them in Publix, apologize. Even if you did not bump into their shopping carts, apologize anyways. They will say their usual:  You are fine and won’t spill their mind crap on you
3)      Apologize, apologize, apologize no matter what. A zombie always thinks that he is right, and everyone else is gender, culture, race and blah-blah-blah biased; therefore, the more apologies you throw into the discussion, the higher your chances are to get out of unpleasant situations
4)      If, no matter how sincerely you apologized, a zombie continues rambling on and on, the afore-stated strategy did not work. The recommended step is to get quiet, let him vent, and go with a flow. If the conflict escalates to the point that a zombie becomes violent, get out as quickly as possible. You never know exactly where he is stuck in his crazy ways of thinking, so do not try to become a therapist, zombies can be really dangerous.
5)      If a zombie takes you to court, hire an attorney. Although extremely delusional, a zombie may be very persistent in his craziness to take revenge. Trying to resolve his brain farts by yourself may actually play against you; so invest in a professional.   
6)      If you need something from a zombie, watch his demeanor. Zombies are extremely insecure, pathologically vulnerable and panicky, but they hide their mess under the mask of what they name toughness. If you emphasize with them for a while, they will melt like ice-cream and overwhelm you with their fears, hatred, and despair. Do not allow them to drown you in their mental shit and keep watching for the underlying interest. Once you define it, give them what they need but not what they want, they will be happy to assist you after.
7)      Zombies eat dead food, which does not rightly digest in their stomachs and causes bad smells, which they try to mask through perfume, gums, deodorants, and daily showering. Their poor eating habits as well as lack of exercising and fresh water intake results in numerous health issues. Whatever. Explaining to them that consuming fried, grilled, or boiled bodies of dead animals is not only disgusting but extremely unhealthy is a waste of your time. Agree with whatever they say, be polite, nod, and smile.
8)      Zombies are extremely competitive. The meaning of a zombie’s life is to prove another zombie that he is the coolest, the most popular, and the best. Show admiration. Look right into his eyes imagining that you are looking at a ripe and juicy mango and tell him something like Wow! You are so smart, brilliant, awesome, blah blah blah. How did you do it? Unbelievable! I am really proud to be around a person like that. Remember, inside, a zombie is deeply insecure and believes that he is a piece of shit regardless the societal achievements. Therefore, admire, admire, and admire. Your true opinion is not only unnecessary but may be really harmful.
9)      Strategies to deal with zombies can be numerous, but the best advice is just stay away, do not get involved, life is way too short to waste it on those who are dead while being alive.  

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