Jim did not listen to my lame excuses and hysterics every time I tried to get rid of him. He kept moving forward, he kept forcefully entering my personal space. He was deaf and numb when I attempted to defend myself physically and emotionally, and he mercilessly crushed my privacy. He demanded my loyalty, total subordination, and sexual submissiveness and offered absolutely nothing in return. The worst copy of Greg, he was taking, taking, taking, but refused to give.
I had the feeling I was his pet, and he put me on a leash through endless manipulations and silent dominance. He put me somewhere between hunting and fishing, and I finally made the decision to pull myself together and break up. I stopped responding to his phone calls and a couple of hours later, I became really scared by his compulsive texting. He went from being concerned to furious. I literary sensed his power through the intensity of my I-Phone ding sounds.
First, I silenced the ringer, then I had to turn on the airplane mode since my whole body shuddered with each vibrate of the phone.
I was scared of his pervasive dominance, and I could not logically explain the reason for my panic attacks. Jim never threw verbal threats or tantrums, but there was something primeval and ruthless about him once he got persistent with me. He was stronger, much stronger than myself. Greg was also stronger, but his power was more seductive than frightening. I enjoyed his animal barbarism pretending that I do not care and hoping that he will stalk me to have his way.
Jim’s dominance threw me into cold sweats. Three hours later the curiosity overcame my fears, and I turned on the phone and read his texts. He wanted to meet. He was begging for the last chance to see me in person; it was the first time I felt he was helpless. I won the battle and texted back that we can meet for a quick chat.
I drove to the place he chose for lunch. He always chose everything for me from food to eat to people to communicate and lingerie to wear. I saw his vehicle, parked next to it and glanced at my reflection in the car mirror. I was pale, my fear and fury were hidden behind brandy sunglasses and bleached bare teeth.
I got out of the car ready to be tough, quick, and bitchy. My break-up speech was planned in advance, and I was repeating it to myself until I saw him. Our eyes met, his heavy and scary look paralyzed me, and I forgot everything I wanted to say. He wanted me to kiss him. I quietly obeyed. He asked if I was hungry, I nodded. He kept staring at me while I was hiding my eyes focusing on lemon and water. The fear that I was too weak to disentangle was combined with the relief that I could just relax and accept my helplessness not fighting it. He treated me worse than a rented vehicle, he was cruel and merciless, expecting adoration in return. I was too tired to resist and kept giving in again and again and again.