life

Jim, Rape and Inability to Disentangle


Breaking up with Jim was impossible. He kept coming back, I kept coming back. I seriously started contemplating witchcraft. I detested his control, his dom/sub power games, his heavily influential personality, but I was desperate in my attempts to disentangle.
I could not forgive being forced to sex and feeling emptied after. But Jim adamantly saw me once a week remaining deaf to my requests to forget my number and disappear.
–          You made me do what I did not want, and you expect me to have feelings for you after? Are you fucking serious? – I did not know I could be so mad and yell so loud
–          I like being with you, when shall I see you again?
–          Don’t you hear? I am not meeting with you any longer. Leave me alone!
–          But I crave you. I thought we were doing so well together
–          Stop it, – I was literary furious, – you can’t expect to take advantage of me and to have feelings and a nice attitude in return. I am not your business project. I am a human being.
–          But I want you to love me Vixen
–          Are you fucking nuts? – A quick desire to break something in his pretentiously furnished house was stronger than common sense, but to my surprise, I managed to stay calm.  – Jim, you raped me, there is no way you will get anything from me. Stop breaking into my shell.
–          I’m just s man … a flawed human being just like you, baby
Arguing with him resulted in feeling tired and surrendering again, and again, and again. He literary vampired me for energy. He needed his dose one a week, then he cooled downed for a couple of days and left me alone. I hated myself around him. I was hysterically nervous, tearful, scared, and insecure. He tried to crawl under my skin being absolutely deaf to my endless requests to back off and leave me alone. – Honey, you are all over the place, take it easy, life is good.
I was unable to defend my privacy, keep healthy boundaries, and leave him. He kept forcefully returning me and had me watch his fish tanks and have lunch with him when it was convenient for him. I tried to adjust him to my interests, but he was manipulations-proof, very firm, and extremely unbending. He was much stronger than myself; the mantra, “I want you, and you will be mine”  – never turned me on after the day he raped me. I was drained, used, and entirely destroyed suppressing tears with bottled water.
He keeps finding me and mercilessly returning me to his world, it is scary.
–          Why do you want me? – I never met people like this before, I never thought guys like this exist
–          You touched me
–          But I am unhappy, Jim. Why don’t you see it?
–          Stop it, you think too much, just go with a flow, Vixen.
It was great advice. I had nothing else to do but to follow it. I was unable to disentangle no matter how hard I tried.

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