life

Lunch with Carla, my Greg


Carla, my best girlfriend is a feminist and a divorce attorney. Perfectionist and beauty. She always dates low testosterone guys who have some belly fat and unconditional respect for the gender equality. She always tries to hook me up with someone “nice” and “reliable” with an average-sized penis to start a “real family”. Our irregular meetings normally begin with her attempts to rescue me from myself. I love her, since she is one of few who really cares.
         
          How do you see yourself 5 years from now? She has that mentoring tone of the voice that may sound perfectly fine in court, but I get tempted to cover my ears.
          I have no answer to this, Carla. I even have no idea what will happen to me tomorrow – We were having lunch in Cheretto. Emy desperately attempts to get the membership here despite Greg’s connections and money. She is still on the list waiting, and it drives her nuts that I have the green light.
          You can’t be a secretary all your life.
          Why?
          Your education, experience, you are putting your career into the toilet and flushing it.
          Carla, life is meaningless, no matter what we do, we are wasting it, I prefer doing nothing
          But you got your license, why don’t you run a therapy practice?
          Cos I do not like people
          And you do not eat, what is your weight, ninety pounds?
          Eighty-nine, – I did not want to explain to her that I can’t eat, I have no appetite, Jim and Greg suck all my energy, I feel drained all the time
          Oh My God, Vixen, you gotta eat, you will end up being sick, think about your son, who will take care of him if something happens to you?
          I will eat, I promise, – I wanted to make her happy. Carla looked upset, I really appreciated her warmly patronizing attitude.  I wish Greg cared like my girlfriend did, but he does not give a shit. I am so sick and tired of his “will you spread your legs for me” demeanor, but he keeps emerging in my life, and I keep losing my head over his smell and psychopathic rudeness.
          Vixen, honestly, your attitudes scare me.  I quietly shifted my gaze from the cup with almond coffee to her face. Carla had that exotic beauty, which did not match her feminist worldviews and the attorney career. Long dark hair, slim waist, big butt, and heavy boobs; she is adorable, she could be a happy woman, but her brain messes up everything.   You are with the guy who forced you to sex, I would never let it go.
          We are not in a fairy tale, Carla, he pays my bills, – Being a feminist clearly twisted her brain, she sees rape and abuse in everything
          Why don’t you report it to the police?
          And who will check on me every morning? Who will fix my vehicle, get me potted roses, take me to Europe, and buy jewelry? Don’t be ridiculous.
          You allow him to take advantage of you, he uses you, he is controlling, he has no respect…
          Jim has an awesome touch, a big dick, and power, he is real, period. – I wanted to stop her stream of consciousness, she dug way too deep, our conversation got too heavy.
          Jim controls you. He is a psychopath, you gotta be very careful
          Says who?
          Greg did
          What? – She simply pronounced his name, and I immediately felt an electric shock down my spine.   – What did Greg tell you?
          Vixen, this is horrible, – Carla put her coffee cup away and looked straight into my eyes, – You are an open book to them, no wonder why they use you
          Please, tell me more. When did you talk to Greg?
          You should see yourself, he got you, he literary got you, girl.  – She looked worried, – You cannot let males take over you, they will use you and throw you away
          There is nothing wrong about being in love, Carla, – I sighed and took with my fork a tiny piece of cheesecake off her plate.  I am surprised Greg even remembers me
          Unbelievable! Where is your self-esteem?, – Carla was emitting anger with amazement. Of course he remembers you, of course he cares, did you see yourself in the mirror? You are young and lovely, and he is old and ugly, he does not deserve you
My heart was beating so fast that I felt hot despite the frozen dessert, – What did he say to you about me?  
          Greg says you do not answer your phone. He thinks Jim abuses you. He came to me trying to find you, he told me you sleep with his boss. He is very angry, actually.
          Which means, – I did not even bother to hide my elation, – which means that life goes on
          Vixen, – there was something rhythmically metallic about the tone of her voice,  Vixen, you gotta wake up, you are destroying yourself, he is married, there is no future here
I do not care about the future, that day I was leaving Carla and Cheretto with the present that got ten times brighter after I found about that he cares, that he worries, that he remembers. Greg, my Greg. I was seriously considering to break up with Jim at any cost, be by myself, and patiently wait for Greg to appear at my front door again.       
life

Jim, Rape and Inability to Disentangle


Breaking up with Jim was impossible. He kept coming back, I kept coming back. I seriously started contemplating witchcraft. I detested his control, his dom/sub power games, his heavily influential personality, but I was desperate in my attempts to disentangle.
I could not forgive being forced to sex and feeling emptied after. But Jim adamantly saw me once a week remaining deaf to my requests to forget my number and disappear.
–          You made me do what I did not want, and you expect me to have feelings for you after? Are you fucking serious? – I did not know I could be so mad and yell so loud
–          I like being with you, when shall I see you again?
–          Don’t you hear? I am not meeting with you any longer. Leave me alone!
–          But I crave you. I thought we were doing so well together
–          Stop it, – I was literary furious, – you can’t expect to take advantage of me and to have feelings and a nice attitude in return. I am not your business project. I am a human being.
–          But I want you to love me Vixen
–          Are you fucking nuts? – A quick desire to break something in his pretentiously furnished house was stronger than common sense, but to my surprise, I managed to stay calm.  – Jim, you raped me, there is no way you will get anything from me. Stop breaking into my shell.
–          I’m just s man … a flawed human being just like you, baby
Arguing with him resulted in feeling tired and surrendering again, and again, and again. He literary vampired me for energy. He needed his dose one a week, then he cooled downed for a couple of days and left me alone. I hated myself around him. I was hysterically nervous, tearful, scared, and insecure. He tried to crawl under my skin being absolutely deaf to my endless requests to back off and leave me alone. – Honey, you are all over the place, take it easy, life is good.
I was unable to defend my privacy, keep healthy boundaries, and leave him. He kept forcefully returning me and had me watch his fish tanks and have lunch with him when it was convenient for him. I tried to adjust him to my interests, but he was manipulations-proof, very firm, and extremely unbending. He was much stronger than myself; the mantra, “I want you, and you will be mine”  – never turned me on after the day he raped me. I was drained, used, and entirely destroyed suppressing tears with bottled water.
He keeps finding me and mercilessly returning me to his world, it is scary.
–          Why do you want me? – I never met people like this before, I never thought guys like this exist
–          You touched me
–          But I am unhappy, Jim. Why don’t you see it?
–          Stop it, you think too much, just go with a flow, Vixen.
It was great advice. I had nothing else to do but to follow it. I was unable to disentangle no matter how hard I tried.
life

My reputation and his wife


Mom asked me the other day how starting my modeling career may affect my reputation. I shrugged my shoulders and gazed at her in amazement. I really did not know what to say. My reputation was destroyed in the societal sense long ago, but I do not care much. I am not a people-person. All I crave for is a bowl of buckwheat with cold-pressed olive oil and juicy tomatoes. Participating in societal games is not included in the scope of my interests; therefore, losing face in the eyes of others was never something I paid any attention to.  
Things that I am truly scared of are hunger and homelessness. As long as I put food on the table and have roof over my head, I feel good, I feel powerful, I feel safe.
Am I handshakeable for those, who divide the world into black and white, good and bad, rich and poor, cold and hot? Probably not. I do not adhere to their principles since they are rigid, and I detest rigidity. I go with a flow, I am flexible and fluid, and I negotiate with my conscience.
I never understand those who claim they can’t live without a particular male or a female. I can’t imagine living without toilet paper. But living without another person is clearly doable. Living without Greg is very doable. It was painful first, but little by little, cravings subsided, and I started breathing freely.
        
         –   You have never been my friend, – I caught Emy sobbing hysterically. Her mascara was a total mess since she kept rubbing her eyes. Black streaks on both cheeks and red blotchy neck made her look disgustingly helpless; she was like a little kitten in runny poop.  You are a toilet, guys use you like a restroom.  Sob, sob, and explosion of tears.  I hate you. I will destroy you. It’s a small community, people will know. No one will ever accept you again. You won’t fit it, your son won’t fit it, you will have to leave.
       – Emy, – I was getting really tired of her endless stream of consciousness, and was ready to leave-  sounds like you are describing to me your worst nightmare.
         – You broke my family! – she was literary screaming at my face
Too much drama make me feel bored. I did my best not to yawn. I did not want the situation to get worse than it was.
       
            –  What is it that you want from me, my dear? – I was trying to remain as tactful as possible
        –  Return Greg, he is mine
         -We are not in Publix, and he is not tofu, Emy. He makes his own choices, we all do.
         – Slut
          -Have a good evening, – I left her house relieved to finally escape her tantrums.
There were 3 missed calls and 2 voice mails from Greg on my phone. He wanted to stop by, and I did not want anyone that night. Not that I cared much about broken bits and pieces of my reputation, I was just tired, and sleepy, and wanted a warm shower and a book in bed.
life

Dessert at Jim’s, my man and his wife

The dessert time was easy, bubbly, and fun for me, I felt Greg’s cum between my legs, I sensed his gaze on my skin, polishing my enchantment with chocolate cheesecake and strawberries.
Everyone was talking. Emy loved the dessert and asked for the recipe. Jim pointed his finger at me:
          Ask Vixen, she was very busy fixing this.
          It is very tasty. What do you use instead of dairy?
I gladly shared the ingredients and offered to email her the recipe. Jim asked me to play something and I eagerly got up and went to the piano.
          Are you ok that we are using you as an entertainment today?  There was irony in Emy’s voice. I shook my head and smiled to her fatigue, which she thoroughly hid behind Chanel and bleached teeth    
          Greg, do you think I am being an entertainment today? – I was almost laughing
          No – flat face, no emotion – unbelievable.  He is a pit-bull, a real pit-bull
Mozart, D-moll fantazia, playing  to myself and for myself, knowing that none of them really cares. Jim on the phone, Greg in his psychopathy, Emy faking confidence.  I finished playing and stood up ready to leave.
          We would like to invite you to dinner next week, my dear – Emy was really stupid. Her husband just fucked me, I still had his smell, and she did not get it. She was so stupidly blind in her ways of demonstrating condescending generosity towards the go-go girl in the cheap dress with no manners…
          Yes, come over next weekend, – Greg’s voice was calm and indifferent as usually
          Very sweet of both of you, thank you, – Of course I was not planning to come to satisfy the wife’s ego and the husband’s hunger.
 I will be doing horseback riding, no Greg, no Jim, no Emy, no fakeness, the lunch is over, period.
life

Lunch at Jim’s, Greg and his wife


Lunch time at Jim’s house. Victorian living room, chic Italian furniture, huge crystal chandeliers, and curious glances of fat exotic fishes from giant aquariums. Pompously classic, dark, and heavy like everything about Jim. I knew Greg was coming with his Emy to join the vanity fair and talk money with the big boss. Obviously, the only person that should have fun is be myself. Unlike Greg, I neither work for Jim nor lose his money.
It was a weird feeling to sit at table with the man of my dreams and his wife. I straightened my back, demonstrating the nakedness of shapely shoulders, and defined arms. Daily boy-pushups, weightlifting, vegan diet, and I proudly showed the sculpted body, petit breasts, and poking out nipples. I felt a hundred percent in a 15-dollar-made-in-India-strapless-beach-dress. Emy was desperately trying to hide her fats in Chanel, and I politely complimented on her style. She gave me a tired and thankful smile. She truly considered myself a friend, and I sincerely felt sorry for her attempts to overlook the evident and save the illusion of the happy marriage.
I sensed the fakeness in the air. Fake smile, fake courtesy, fake friendliness, fake concerns, and fake care. Greg and Jim’s money talking, and my infatuation with Greg were the only real things in this whole lunch charade. 
I stood up and excused myself casting a glance at Greg. Our eyes met, I smiled and hastily left the room feeling Jim’s intense look with my back. I was bored; watching the three of them eat dead animals was no fun.  
Greg left the living room a minute after.
          Where is his bathroom? – Dispassionate voice, cool emotionless politeness, and inexpressive bull terrier look.  
          Down the hall and to the left
          Show me
Feeling his presence was awesome. He quietly followed me, I quietly stopped at the bathroom door and looked into his eyes. He quickly grabbed my arm and forced me inside practically shoving me against the bathroom sink. I turned around and saw both of us in the bathroom mirror. I am small and anemic, Greg is big and detached. I heard him unzip his pants; my eyes shifted to neatly rolled towels in a bucket. He hurriedly entered me from behind as I was studying the palm towel pattern, the only sane thing I could do in this situation. His dick was huge and awesome. He was simply awesome, rude, insane, and awesome. Very warm, very wild, and very quiet. He quietly came, I quietly wiped myself down and adjusted the dress
          My wife likes you, Vixen  
          Won’t you be in trouble for having sex with me?
          Honey, you have no idea how much money I made for him this quarter. He would not give a shit even if you were his wife.
          Will you help me set up a fish tank for Lukas? His birthday is next week.
          I remember my son’s birthday, Vixen; will send the technician to your apartment this weekend.
          Thank you
          I want you to dump this idiot
          I want a dessert

 
I came back and apologized with a smile. Emy smiled back, Jim was busy on his phone. A minute later Greg showed up and gave Emy a hug. The dessert was yummy, vegan, and chocolate. I was alive, warm, and happy.