Monthly lunch with Joe, my ever-lasting admirer. He found me five years ago in a park where I was drinking almond latter and chewing a chocolate cookie. He gave me his business card and invited to his lecture. I gave him a call, attended his class and since then he is my fan. The less interest I have in him, the more clingy he gets. He is sweet, loveable, PhDable, supportive, kind, gentle, and these qualities make him absolutely asexual. I use him as a convenience to pay my rent, to set up my fish tanks, to write letters of recommendations, to give me cash when I am broke, to wipe my tears every time Greg emotionally and physically destroys me, etc. As the reward, he is sometimes allowed to kiss my hands.
Joe admires – Greg fucks.
Joe inquires about everything I do: job, school, piano playing… – Greg is only interested in the hairless pussy.
Joe loves me with his heart – Greg loves me with his cock.
Joe is as adhesive as a Jehovah witness – Greg could not care less.
Joe is my temporary crutch – Greg is hypnotizing.
If Greg makes me pregnant again, Joe will be the perfect candidate to take care of the kid sincerely believing that he is the happy father. Briefly speaking, Joe is conventional, descent, and boring. A real fairy tale for a nice Christian girl who looks for traditional relations.
He tried to blame me for destroying his marriage, but since I let him politely know that I never asked for any sacrifice, he started begging for forgiveness. His divorce was finalized 2 weeks ago, and I am absolutely not thrilled. Prior to this, he was at least cautious, now his careless obsessiveness may put me in trouble since Greg keeps stressing that he will literary destroy my whole life if he finds out I date someone else. Actually, this makes Greg even more mesmerizing in my eyes. Unlike Joe he is very possessive.
Joe handed over a check to me at lunch.
– Just a small gift for my little Vixen. Go and buy something for yourself.
I was slowly licking guacamole off my fingers. They make fantastic guacamole here; fresh hass avocadoes, a little bit of green garlic, and lemon, yummy! I definitely need to learn how prepare
something similar at home.
– Please take the money, I know you need it.
Joe was as sweet as usually. I slowly moved my eyes from the fingers to the handed paper, smiled, looked at Joe, and forgave myself for being a callous bitch. Helping me out is the ritual for Joe that makes him feel wanted, needed, useful. Giving me something is thousand times more rewarding for him than for me since I know how to accept presents with sincere gratitude and a baby joy. His ego is entirely satisfied that he is helping a helpless single mom in this cruel world, and the feeling of being the powerful savior makes him happy.
I always accept help. I love myself way too much to go through redundant struggle of making extra money if there is an opportunity just to take what is offered.
Am I grateful to him for everything he does? Absolutely! But love cannot be born out of gratitude. Dependence and the strong feeling of indebtedness can, but love and affection cannot.
Greg’s midnight text messaging with feverish demands to come over to see him or at least send him dirty pictures never turn me off. Joe’s servility does, it is boring although beneficial.
I was gazing at Joe, imagining that I am with Greg. I smiled for Greg, and Joe was happy.