Month: April 2017

sugar

A little bit about myself

blondie0082

My name is Vixen, and I love myself
I enjoy my 85-pound body and a teenage appearance.
I love boy pushups and working my abs.   
I am a white 5.1-feet-tall fragile sex-appeal, and it is fun to be this way.
Some people say I am an ideal dream for pedophiles. In fact, I like older guys as long as they are very high functioning, focused, and reasonable.   
I am very light and easy going. I am drama-free and have the talent to feel happy daily.
I know how to make friends with myself. And I am my own best friend, the one who never creates redundant problems, causes panic, hurts feelings, and becomes hysterical for no reason.
I am very disciplined and punctual.
I know when to be quiet, and when to speak. Actually, I prefer listening, or I pretend that I listen.
I am a great daughter and an awesome mom.
I am fallible like everyone else on this planet. My main weakness is Greg, and I am fine with it. I am neither obsessive nor cold. I enjoy being affectionate with him. In fact, he makes my heart beat faster, but other things in this life are thrilling to me as well.
I relate with this world through the language of touch; this is the main reason why I allowed Greg into my reality. Despite his continuous meat eating habits, career in surgery, and social drinking, he is still sensuous, erects regularly, loves women, and interacts with the universe primarily through his skin. In sum, he is alive, simplistic, and real, which are very rare qualities that people normally do not possess.
I love guacamole, apple sauce, buckwheat, and tofu.
I love power and strength in everything – health, body, mind, etc. Strong and powerful people are very attractive, there is nothing wrong about it.
I do not have dreams, since I live at present. I cherish the only thing that I actually have – today – and I make sure that my today is awesome.
sugar

Greg’s Wife

blondie0082

The first time I met Emy was at a conference in Ritz where I was asked to play the piano.  Greg told me before that his wife works in mass media, and I imagined a tall and skinny bitch in high heels with a perfectly firm breast and erect nipples showing through the top. 
Well, she was tall. That’s it. Tired, heavy set, stooped, middle aged, and entirely lifeless. I recognized her by the Greg’s last name on her badge and the same sapphire necklace and earrings set that both of us wore that evening. Greg did not seem to be original when choosing jewelry for his spouse and the lover. I imagined him looking for the special offer: Buy one for your wife, get another one 50% off for your mistress. It was funny, I laughed.
I approached Emy and complimented on her shoes. She lit up almost immediately and praised my piano performance.
–          Where did you learn to play the piano?
–          My parents taught me when I was little
–          Oh, really? I wish my boys would do something like that, but their dad does not think it’s a good idea
–          Wow, sounds like their dad is in charge
–          Of course, he is! Boys should be into sports. He thinks piano lessons are too girlie.
–          And what do you think?
 –          Me? It really does not matter…
Greg seemed to suck all her life energy. There was no enthusiasm about her. Unfit body in a business attire and a dull face. She was entirely frozen. Her needs and wants were buried under marketing strategies, advertising techniques, and sales methods. Even conversing about the kids did not seem to defreeze her.
Greg stopped trying to control me after I threw a plate with a chocolate cheesecake into his TV. I survived his yelling. Life is way too short not to live, not to feel, not to express myself.     
I left Ritz and Emy relieved that I am single and not willing to dive into the traditional monogamous crap that people call “serious relations”.
Emy called me later with the invitation to play Chopin at the presentation of her new book the following week.  
feelings, happiness, love, sugar

The man of my dreams, my Greg

blondie0082
134563

I finally stopped emotionally reacting every time I drove past the billboard with his face. His ads are on both sides of this damn board, just a few blocks away from my work.
His photo kept reminding me of him early in the morning on my way to the office, and later in the afternoon, when I drove home.   
 
I let go of all my expectations, frustrations, and illusions, and, again, Greg showed up out of nowhere at 4 in the morning banging loudly on my door. His car in front, he did not even bother to park it right. I had to open the door fearing that the neighbors would call the corps.
 
–          Isn’t it too early?
 –          I am here for sex and breakfast
 
No comment.  Speechless. He is mentally sick. I am definitely under his influence.
 
  –          Greg, do you know what time is it?
–          Did I do something wrong, gorgeous? 
 
I gave him an apple, he laughed in my face, he wanted ham and scrambled eggs, and I am vegan.
I did not want to allow him into my apartment just because I do not bend. This is my life principle – never bend even if I am willing to give in to the point of fainting. Every time he comes into my life I feel I am a powerless nothing, and this feeling is amazing. My 85 pounds against his 180. My cheap shoes and undies against his hysterical wealth.   
 
How come that such an awesome person is so insane? I can see far beyond his craziness, but he is not willing to interact outside his erection.   
 
He was standing next to me chewing the apple, holding the door with his knee.  I can’t close this damn door, he does not allow me to slam it in his face, I love it, this is awesome.
 
I went into the bedroom, slid under the blanket and closed my eyes, still had a couple of hours prior to starting a new work day, feeling with my skin his presence here. I heard him go into the kitchen 
 and open the refrigerator.
 
–          Honey, don’t you have regular milk? I can’t drink your almond shit
 
It was surprisingly easy not to respond and let the sleep take over. I do not care any more, Greg is a dickhead, hope he will lock the door when he leaves.
 
My alarm clock went off at 8. The front door was still open, my kitchen was a mess, the most wonderful man in the world was still here snoring in the living room. He was back in my reality. I went into the bathroom. I felt happy.  
feelings, love, relations

Greg and Mike

blondie0082
Greg_Mike

I met two guys Greg and Mike at almost the same time and had to maneuver between both not knowing exactly what I was expecting from the dates.  

Greg was a surgeon, impulsive and angry with people in general and with the hospital staff in particular.
Mike was a senior executive, always swamped with forecasting, expense control, and under-performing team.

Greg was blunt and rude. He could call me at 3 am yelling and screaming that he wanted sex and demanding that I should be at his home immediately.
-This is the time babe I just need to f*ck someone and have them want me. You are torturing me, my cock and heart are both yours to have. I want you here and now.
Mike was calm and evasive. He never raised his voice and skillfully hid his non-vanilla sexual behaviors behind refined manners and a bleached smile.

Greg was six feet tall, slightly overweight, and loud. He grilled steaks over the weekend and smelled like flesh of dead animals.
Mike was of average height, athletic, and vegetarian; all about fine dining, organic food, and piano background. He smelled like mint and strawberries.

Greg only cared about himself. His interest did not get deeper than:
–          Babe, oral sex?
Mike always asked questions making me feel one of his applicants in a job interview: background, master thesis, career goals… 
–          What is it that you can offer a man, my dear?

Greg could show up at 6 am at my door demanding to fix him a breakfast sandwich.
Mike was respectful of my privacy, he never bothered me with unexpected visits.

Greg was greedy, never paid my bill at restaurants. He was very skillful at taking, using, and throwing away things and people.
Mike always took care of my expenses, offered decent allowances, and made me feel safe every time we went out.

Letting Greg into my life was an emotional roller coaster. He pushed my buttons, making me feel guilty, and ashamed of things I never did. He could promise me the whole world and disappear the next day for weeks leaving me in tears and emotionally destroyed. He always came back craving for my attention, and my mood immediately jumped from 0 to 100.
–          Talk to me, babe. You are a stress reliever, so soothing    
Mike was focused, and predictable. Being into BDCM, he kept patiently looking for the appropriate masochist partner in a drama-free manner.

I ended up dumping both of them. 

Greg left me heart-broken.
Mike left me with his white BMW, which I immediately sold, thus closing the door into the world of boredom, lies, and kinky games. 

Every time Mike texts me, I delete his messages without reading.
When I hear Greg’s clinic ad on the radio, I smile prior turning it off.  
        
sugar

Life in the Moment

blondie0082
  What a wonderful thing it is to live in the moment. Every time I see my Mister Wonderful, I feel like my little poodle; the doggie wags his tail, jumping with joy, and trying to hug me with his paws. I have neither a tail nor paws, I just wrap my legs arms around him and rub my nose against his cheek. He smells like apples and oranges, sometimes like pineapples, yummy.
    
My miniature poodle loses his focus every time I am gone. He has other things to do: to play, to chew his bone, to make a mess around the house, to chase squirrels, and bunnies. Same with myself, once my Mister Wonderful leaves, I have sunsets, chocolate, roses, friends, and books on my mind. I dive into other experiences and add other colors into my life, which are as bright and expressive as my experience with Mister Wonderful. I adore him when I see him. And I enjoy other aspects of my life when he is gone.
   
I cannot be upset with my dog when his attention is captured by a racoon or a steak. I do not expect my Mister Wonderful to be upset with me for not keeping him on my mind 24 hours a day. Yes, I am capable of letting the past delightful moments go as soon as he is out of sight.
   
I do not live in anticipation for his visits. I take the most from him when he is nearby, spiritually, emotionally, physically and I give a lot in return. But I have no plans or desires for the future. I build the present, without looking into something that is not there yet.
   
I make love with the present, as passionately as I do with my Mister Wonderful. I keep expanding my present adding new colors to it. My life is a kaleidoscope of present experiences, where my Mister Wonderful is just one of many.
   
When it comes to my life, I do not prioritize. I just allow myself to live at present.  It is fun, it is worth while doing.